There’s a place to workout
Where machines glitter gold
And I am on a StairMaster to Heaven

While I am stepping I know
That there are endless steps to go
With a button I can speed up or slow down.
Ohh, ohh, and I’m on a StairMaster to Heaven.

There’s a mirror on the wall
But I want to be sure
Cause’ you know sometimes mirrors can be slimming.
On a machine next to me
There’s a man who is grunt-ing,
Sometimes all of us want to smack those guys.
Ohh, and it makes me limber.
Ohh, and it make me trimmer.

There’s a feeling I get
When I look at my ass
And my muscles are burning with N.O.
From up high I can see
All the babes looking at me,
And their voices are silenced with envy.
Ohh, and it makes me awesome.
Ohh, it really makes me blossom.

And it’s whispered in the room
That I have a big boom boom
So I wear long shorts for that reason.
And while I stride to and fro
I keep track of how far I go
And I use a towel to regulate my sweating.

If there’s a muscle that needs toning
Don’t be alarmed now,
I just get on and step until I’m step-less.
Yes, there are preset programs I can go by
But for when I’m lazy
There’s still manual buttons that work just fine.

My head is humming from my iPod
In case that you are odd,
I can ignore you and keep climbing.
Dear lady, would you like to listen
And I would share
You’re kind of cute, now climb with me.

And as we climb 5ft forever
We can see the entire gym.
There walks a big lady on a treadmill
Who stomps quite loudly like a troll
How the sauna is so steamy
And all the machines are made of gold
And if you listen through one headphone
You can hear the radio at last
When all the station plays is Greenday
You’ll get angry because they’re awful
Can you really call that Rock and Roll?

And I’m climbing a StairMaster… to Heaven.