you know i try to lead a normal life
i really do! honest to goodness!
i put my pant legs on one at a time
just like any normal citizen
i don't go running around stirring up trouble
i don't...i'm not that type of guy
i just want a nice peaceful NORMAL existence
but for some reason or another
all this crazy shit keeps happening to me
take for instance, this morning
i was just planning on sleeping in
copping a few extra "zs" you know...
no work or other pressing responsibilities
so like...what the hey...
and i'm there in my bed
when all the sudden, this fuzzy thing
touched me on the back
and knocked me clear to the floor
and i was like "what the hell is this?"
and i got up...i dusted myself off a bit
(yeah...my floor is dusty...i need to vacuum i know)
and i looked to see who...or what this was
that pushed me out of my bed
and there, standing, smack dab in the middle
of my room and my life and everything all the sudden
was this little ole grey elepant with big blue eyes
well not quite so little...
he was an elephant after all
and he was wearing a purple beanie!

"oh christ!" i cried out.
"how the hell did you get in here?
and, exactly, how much did i have to drink last night?"
then i thought about it...i didn't drink last night
when you live a life as crazy as mine
the last thing that you need is to pour booze on top of it
so here i was...stone cold sober...i'm a good boy
i try to lead a normal life...did i mention that?
and i was looking at this elephant...and you know what?
i think the little peckerhead was smiling at me
and he opened his mouth, you know...and he spoke
"hello charlie..." he said, "i'm your little friend for the day."
Great...i thought...just what i need...
a friend who probably weighs a couple of tons
and who may or may not be housebroken
so i'm like rubbing my eyes like crazy
and trying the best to unclog my ears
and well...you know...make this thing go away
but he didn't...he was still there
and then he was standing on his hind legs
with his trunk in the air
and laughing at me...
and then he says "come on, sport...
i'll buy you breakfast!"

so i got myself dressed
and i let the elephant borrow
one of my ties
(this garish purple plaid thing that my aunt
gave me for christmas a coupla years ago
before she was abducted by aliens.
i thought it would go with the beanie!)
and he tied the tie around his trunk
and batted his big brushy eyelashes and says
"ain't i pretty?"
i just rolled my eyes
and then we made our way down the street
to the pancake house
and everyone was staring at us along the way
and whispering
until they realized who i was
"oh...it's him with the elephant," they said
"that's not so odd...
i believe he took a tiger to work once!"
and they let us pass
not like they had much choice
when you're walking down the sidewalk
with an elephant
and we were at the door to the pancake house
and i pushed really hard to try to squeeze the elephant through
i grunted and i groaned and the newspaper boy saw me
and he offered to help me and we pushed and pushed
and finally he popped into the restaurant
with a little bit of a thud
i believe he broke some plates

anyway...we bellied up to the counter
and the waitress came over, looked at the elephant
and then looked at me and she grunted...
"rough night?"
and then she laughed
i just put my head in my hands and shook it
and the elephant ordered the Lumberjack Special breakfast
with extra cheese, of course
and i had coffee...
just coffee...
black!
and we sat there for a bit
without speaking
the elephant coughed a little
and played with his pancakes
juggling them on his trunk
and i spoke first
"so i know you're aren't going to tell me
where the hell you came from or why the fuck
you were in my bedroom this morning because my life...
it's never that easy...
but i just wanna know one thing...
why does this crazy stuff always happen to me...?"
the elephant dropped his cakes, patted me on the head with his trunk
he then giggled a little and said
"hee hee! poor charlie...don't you know
just how special you are?"
i smacked my head against the counter
"i mean...look around you," he continued
you think anybody else in here woke up today
to find an elephant in their house?
highly unlikely, i would say...
especially since we're in miami!
think about it, charlie...
these people all got up for another boring breakfast
on their way to start another boring day
and nothing exciting never really happens to them...
but you, buddy...you...the world is your oyster...
and your elephant
so why not just be happy?"
and i thought about this for a minute
as i looked around at all the grumpy people
in the smoky pancake house
trying their best just to get through another
crappy day without running out in front of a bus or something
and i realized that hey...the elephant made sense!
something i thought i'd never say, of course...
but it was true nonetheless...

my life was kinda interesting, wasn't it?
whacked out as all hell perhaps, but interesting!
so i smiled at my buddy
and i took him down to the beach where we played skeeball
(needless to say, with that trunk, he had an unfair advantage)
and he jumped for joy when he won enough tickets
to get a giant stuffed elephant with a purple bow
"i've always wanted a child," he said as a tear came to his eye
and we then went on the boardwalk
had an ice cream cone or two or twelve
(his favorite was pistachio)
and then we went down by the ocean
and we watched the waves
and we sat there quiet for a while
in meditative contemplation, my elephant and me
enjoying the moment
"it's all so precious..." the elephant said to me
"and most people never even see it all...
how is that possible?"
suddenly this big cruise ship pulled up to us
and honked this big ole foghorn
that about scared me out of my skin
and on this ship were elephants of all shapes and sizes
wearing all kinds of fancy clothes and sipping champagne
and this female elephant wearing a red sequined gown
calls out to my buddy
"come on now, billy," she says...
"it's time to go...
so say goodbye to your little friend"
and i saw another tear drop from billy's eyes
and it made a huge puddle in the sand
and he gave me his trunk to shake my hand
"nice knowing you, charlie..." he says
"we'll do it again real soon!"
i scratched him under the chin a little and smiled
"you can count on it, buddy," i said

and now i watch as this ship full of elephants
sails off into the purple sunset
and i put my hands in my pockets
and i start to walk home
when this giraffe walks up behind me and says
"hey there sport...where you walking to so fast?"
and i guess we're going clubbing tonight.