and THUS
i was taking a bubble bath
with my usual mixture
of Mr. Bubble and cream cheese
scratching my back
ever so diligently
with my giant purple
and green loofa thingy
(i sometimes use it to scrub potatoes)
when my soap
it went flying out of the tub
and onto the floor
and you know me,
big ole Klumsy MctwoFeet
i sauntered off to fetch it
and i accidentally,
(some folks will say there
are no accidents)
with my big size sixteen foot,
stepped on it and went gliding
a way out of the bathroom
and into the hallway and out
the friggin window
of all things
for crying out loud
and Jesus, Joseph and Mary
and all that stuff

and there i was
falling four floors down from
my lovely apartment home
at the tenement netch
(wonderful place it is...
we have aliens and
dancing poodles with tutus there...
you just have to get used to
all the kvetching
and the sleeping around...
oh the sleeping around...
don't even get me started...
how do you think i got this
pink and blue ankle bracelet?
it was hush money from this
prominent senator that lives there
whom i kinda sorta dillyed-dallied with...
but just a bit!)

Anyhoo....
I do digress!
i was falling out this window
and into a dumpster below
that was full of smelly day-old fish
(i don't know why,
but there's a lot of smelly
day-old fish lying around
in our happy little land)
and THANKFULLY
oh yes ever so thankfully
it broke my fall
and i emerged from the dumpster
totally unscathed doing a backflip
and singing the Hallelujah chorus
(of all things and peas and beans
and carrots as well)

and there was this talent agent
who was standing there watching me
he was probably about three-foot six
or something wearing a shiny gold fedora
and a fuzzy brown tweed suit
smack dab in the middle of
the summertime
and he tells me
of all things
that's he's gonna make me a star
with my voice
"the next Susan Boyle"
i believe were his exact words
and there i was standing
dripping wet naked
with a rubber duckie on my head
and a bar of soap in my mouth
and i just smiled and gave him
a big ole hug
and i invited him up to the crib
(that's what us cool folk call it...
the crib...you can't call
it that so please...
don't even try...)

and we get up there...
and i'm not gonna lie to you...
there was a little under the top
action and some dilly-dallying
(them short guys are great
in the sack!)
and he gave me this contract
to sign
and i was more than happy to do so
for he just gave me a very happy
and satisfying five and a half minutes
of somewhat mild sexual pleasure
so i signed on the dotted line
and then he just started laughing
this loud and obnoxious laugh
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
he says as he turns beet red
(which definitely clashes with the tie
he's wearing)
"you just sold your soul to the circus,
you freak!" he cried
i stood up and sighed
a big ole sigh of relief
and said "Oh thank GOODNESS!
i thought maybe i just sold my very soul to the devil
and was going straight to hell or something..."
and he just grinned and he said
"obviously you haven't been
to the circus lately..."

and so he loaded my big seven foot four inch
one hundred and tenty-six pound frame
into this U-Haul that he had waiting out front
that had some goofy looking dutch girl
painted on the side telling me to
"Enjoy Michigan"
whatever the hell that means
and so we headed on down to the big top,
all red and white and ominous and stuff
and he took me to meet the rest
of his tribe of misfits
(who are actually very fashion-forward
in my opinion)
and he introduced me as the
"World's Tallest Goofball"
and I smiled and i bowed and i tried
my best to look charming
(by the way, I was still naked)
and he showed me to my trailer
which i had to share with Pearl,
the world's tiniest elephant,
who wore a big puffy
mauve wig and high heeled shoes
and Pearl, she smiled
at me and said
"welcome to the hood, baby...
welcome to the hood!"
(she could talk like that
because she was super cool as well...
at the time anyway...
but don't you try!)
and we got along pretty well
in that dinky little trailer
Pearl taught me how to tap dance
and I taught her the
many many wonders of cream cheese
(oh where do I even begin?
tap-dancing on cream cheese...
that's the best!)

and then one day, this clumsy
giraffe accidently knocked over a tiki torch
and set my whole little circus world on fire
fortunately Pearl and I got out
by the skin of our teeth
(and our tusks, respectfully)
and we found ourselves broke
and destitute and living in the streets
i found a beat up old tuba and a tophat
and i took to a corner and played it for
loose change whilst Pearl
had to turn tricks
with all the local rich elephant
congressmen who happened to
waddle by with a taste for something chunky
(not to mention trunky)
from which she managed to eke out
a sizable little nestegg
(then there was also all the blackmail money she
could weasel out of them as well)
and we took all this cash
and we moved on up to
The Skylight Room
at the tenement netch
and we lived like queens we did
sipping champagne and
wearing hot pink diamond tiaras

until this bitch elephant
fell in love with one of these rich elephants
and moved away with him
and left me high and dry with all the bills
so that i had to take a job
at Happy-Go-Burger and sell all
of my wonderful diamonds
and now i spend my days
flipping greasy meat by-product thingies
and cleaning out toliets
which is why i'm here today
waiting for this bus next to you...
this is where the number seven bus comes...right?
i'd hate to be late to work again...
then i'd have to sleep with the boss again
to get back in his good graces
there's five and half minutes of sheer terror
for you i will tell you what...

anyhoo...
i'm sammy klinglehopper...
nice to meet you and to chat with you
and i'll tell you right now
i'll be here again to talk to you tomorrow
so you might want to make other arrangements
for your morning commute...folks usually do...
what's that? oh...i guess you decided to
run to work instead of taking the bus
well that's good exercise, i suspect...
you have yourself a good day!