i'm an old soul
or so i'm told
so i like to spend
a lot of time
just thinking
relaxing
and you know
just taking
stuff in
some call it lazy
i call it...
logical
hell...
why mow the damn lawn
when there
are so many beautiful
long and luxurious weeds!
some of them
they're just kinda
like all green
and scraggly looking
but hell so am i!
you gonna mow me down?
i didn't think so.
nah!
i'll leave the lawn mower
rest methinks
and just go plop myself down
in the middle of all them weeds
and take myself a na...
er...a thoughtful meditation

yes...this is better...
just lying here looking
up at all the ginormous weeds
some of them are
scraggly and thorny
that's okay...
i sorta like the sensation
of them prickling
against my old and
tired skin
and some of them, though...
ah...quite fetching...
breathtaking really
with tiny wisps
of purple and blue
flowers growing fron them
and the bright
yellow dandelions
aren't they impressive?
lighting up my thoughts
with their sunshiny faces

ah yes...thoughts!
let me think!
close my eyes a little
take a whiff
hmmmm...
my nose itches...
ladybug!
well hello dear
and aren't we
oh so pretty today...
let me move ya here
to the ground
so you can go sashay
around and cruise
for all the fellas
whilst big daddy
here tries to relax
yes relax...
closing my eyes again

and dreaming
maybe...
of me
sprouting wings
and taking
to the skies
and riding piggyback
on a giant
flying ostrich
hey! they can fly
if i want them to...
it's my dream already!
so i'm flying here
on this big assed bird
and he's swaying his head
back and forth
and cooing kinda pretty
and he starts to sing
"diamonds are a
girl's best friend!"
and i'm just thinking
gawrd that's an oldie!
how long do these
birds live anyway?

and so we fly
up into this
big polka-dotted cloud
where a man is waiting
wearing a toga
with purple and white stripes
and the ostrich drops
me off and
i stand before him
and i say
"holy cow...
are you Saint Peter?"
he laughs and socks
me on the chin
hurts a little
"get over
yourself already!
this is a day spa!
and i'm Chauncey
your lovely
activities director!"

"day spa?"
hmmm...sounds
kinda nice!
"what's on the agenda?"
i ask
so he takes me
into this fluffy
white room
where there is this
bathtub full
to overflowing
with soft serve
ice cream
and he tells
me to get in
"baaaa!" i cry
"but that's so cold"
he then takes his
big and long
and lanky
noodlelike arms
of his
and he picks
me up and he
throws me in
"there goes
your tip" i yell
as i sail
into the white
and sloppy goo!
and it is cold
and a little shocking
but after i land in it
and get situated
it's oddly
somewhat comfortable
and i start
sucking that ice cream
into my big mouth
so tasty it is...

yum! i say!

he then calls over a big
purple elephant to
hose me off and rinse me down
gawrd! that's a lot of water!
then he take me to this
giant pink can of hairspray
and we walk inside
and there's this
crazy looking tall dude
named Fifone...
who's wearing
purple sandals
a life preserver
and yellow floaties
on his arms
and his green
hair just keeps
twisting and twisting
and twisting
way up into the sky

"Fifone," Chauncey says,
"will be your personal
stylist...
i leave you in his care!"
he then pops
a big piece of gum
into his mouth
blows a giant bubble
and floats away
Fifone looks me over
and says...
"you have no hair!"
i blush a bit and say
"nope!"
he claps his hands and says
"i will fix that!"
he then brings over
this giant blue
glass bubble
and places it over
my head
he claps again
and the bubble
starts making this
really LOUD whirling noise
he claps a third time
and takes the bubble off
and shows me a mirror

and to my surprise
i have the most
beautiful pink puff
full of cotton candy
on top of my head
and it's humungous!
and Fifone says
"taste it...
it's delicious...
and i pull
a small piece off
pop it in my mouth
and he didn't lie...
spectacular!
"and it all grows back!"
he giggles and slaps
me on the ass

then he paints little lemon
drops on my toenails
and my fingernails
and he fits me
with these comfy
jeans and a fitted tee
that are made
entirely of licorice
and he sends me on my way
i walk out of the spray can
and Chauncey is waiting
there for me..
"Now..."
he says...
"time to meet
your massage specialist!"
and i must confess
i drool a bit
at the thought of
what a massage specialist
must look like
in such a heavenly place
imagine...some young hot babe
with boobs for days
and a rump to match
so i say to bring it on...

all this sudden this big
green scaley looking
dinosaur thing comes
at me with these huge
claws looking to tear
into me
i start screaming
and i try to run
but i'm stuck
in this one place
she comes up to me
looks at me she does
and grits her
teeth and keeps
pointing her clawed
forefinger into my chest
i start crying out
"no no no!"

and i open
my eyes and i see
my wife growling
and snarling
and pointing
her finger into
my chest
as i'm lying there
in the tall weeds
"when ya gonna mow
this lawn already?"
she grunts
and i get up
and dust myself off
a bit
and peep
"sorry dear..."
and i mow the lawn
teary eyed
as i say goodbye
to my glorious
weed kingdom
and as i mow
the ladybug
comes back
and lands on my nose

and the bitch bites me!