ladies oh ladies
i welcome you here
to auxiliary night
we're so full of cheer

instead of bake sales
and ole quilting bees
this time our goodies
are so sure to please!

i am your hostess
Estella Bouffant
with frosty blue hair
oh so elegant!

it's toss'd and it's teased
piled up on my head
high up to rafters
berets saucy red

and tonight we bring
a tasty ole show
men of all sizes
and shapes don't you know?

we're selling em off
some pricey some cheap
a night on the town
slap, tickle and peep!

i raise my cocktail
to young men and gin
get out your dollars
let the fun begin!

first to the stage yes
Sir Harry Duvall
wears rosy glasses
and stands six feet tall!

methinks oh ladies
a price he will fetch
lives in a penthouse
at the tenement netch!

ah money and looks
such worldly delights
wakes up your mornings
and shakes up your nights!

so what do i hear
this fine slab o' meat
you best to bid now
just stand up and tweet!

one hundred one ten
yes that watch is gold
two hundred fifty
fifty five and SOLD!

lookie dear cougars
i bring to your view
Doofy McRuckus
with hair all askew

full of adventure
he lives for the surf
with powerful pecs
to invade your turf

two hundred twenty
brawny and bold
three hundred sixty
and that boy is SOLD!

here's Cyber Sidney
a comp geek i hear
brainy yet scrawny
cleared 12 mil last year!

he wears bifocals
with lenses so large
yet hung like a mule
his wee wee's a barge!

did i hear five hundred
somewhere in the fold?
six hundred twenty
nerdikins is SOLD!

next to our view yes
this short little man
no brawn and no brain
not even a tan!

"ladies oh ladies!"
how dare he to speak?
"been watching you drool
with knees oh so weak!

at all the beefcake
this merry parade
you think men cattle
just good to be laid!

i stand here aghast
i stand here in shock
you're all up in years
you've been round the block

men do have feelings
see you not my tear?
it falls from my eyeball
and lands in my beer

how dare you treat us
like muscle and nuts
we're human also
contemptable sluts!"

how did this crybaby
get up on the stage?
let's get out the net
and bring on the cage!

we'll stick him on in
the squawky old bird
auction him off yes
so lame and absurd!

so tell me girlies
do you have an itch
to bid on a man
who is such a bitch?

five cents a quarter
for this dowdy jerk
at least take him home
and put him to work!

just then the police
come to raid our bash
we think them strippers
we take out our cash!

we wave our dollars
way high in the sky
they handcuff us all
so kinky so spry!

they load us on in
their wagon so big
i scream and shout some
and squeal like a pig

i sit in my cuffs
and try to look regal
who knew selling men
was so illegal?

and off we're carted
into that good night
my blue hair frizzy
and flat from the fight

so learn from me yes
Estella Bouffant
beware all menfolk
they're not what you want!