Conflicted Not Confused(In the Heart of Me)
Not too long ago
I was lost in the dark
But I saw two paths
Both in my heart
They went their own way
And they were nothing the same
They ended miles apart
I could see that from the start
So what was I to do?
What was I to choose?
I was conflicted not confused
I knew what, but I couldn't choose
Its was like holding up my heart
Split in equal broken parts
Asking “Which one do you want?”
But what was I to do?
I was conflicted not confused
I knew what, but I couldn't choose
The first I called dream me
Though she was nothing extraordinary
She was who I always wished to be
A familiar face in the heart of me
The person I always imagined I'd see...
She would have an average life
Full of all the normal things
She would have a good job
Have God, a husband, a family
Surely that was all she'd need
A life of social acceptability
But would she make me happy?
Was she really me?
Or rather just the person
I thought that I needed to be...
I knew where this path would lead
Though it had been planned so perfectly
The life my parents wanted for me
The one my father prayed would be
But it was a life I could not see
A fantasy that could never be
It was not the road for me
Because I could not allow a vision of deceit
To dwell within the heart of me
I was conflicted not confused
One path I could not choose
Another to be considered
What was I to do?
Me number two
She was old and new
She had broken my heart
Right from the very start
But all had been forgiven
At least mostly anyway
But the pain chose to stay
So I locked her away
But maybe she would be
The one real, true me
There was only one way to see...
I walked down her path, though not very far
Got just close enough to stare through the bars,
Just enough to peek at what my life would be...
She was still afraid, but she was very brave
She had chosen the path with the roughest terrain
She had lost a lot of the ones she loved
But her new friends became her family
She had them, and the hope of the girl she loves...
And she still snuck glances at the heavens above
(Though she was not sure what to make of them)
I stopped right there, I had seen enough
For this path was I strong enough, tough enough?
Maybe I could make this my way
Could I be happy and still be gay?
Remember when they meant the same?
(Its kind of ironic that way)...
I walked on back into the dark
Into the depths of my broken heart
And I started to cry, I started to laugh
As I stared at my paths that tore me in half
I was conflicted not confused
I knew I had to, but I could not choose
Time passed slowly and the dark grew
I could not choose either, I knew not what to do
Somehow they were both parts of me
My crazy split personality
I am obviously, truly me number two
I knew this was true, but that was not the issue
I was conflicted not confused
I knew which path I had to choose
But since I couldn't yet bear it the other way
Dream me would just have to stay
To silently dwell, replace me number two
Inside the cage where no harm can it do
To dwell for now and maybe for all time
Hidden deep in the heart of me
Anastacia Wood©2009
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I really love the poem ^.^
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****The more the heart break, the more the dark spread****
********The harder your able to see a bright path*********
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Its so easy to relate to this poem. I am always stuck in choice number one, a beautiful life and beautiful home with my beautiful highly talented family.
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****Two roads to chose, close your eyes and you'll know****
****When you follow the path you can feel the wind blow.****
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My mother always tell me that things will always work out in the end. No matter what you will always find something to make you happy. Even if the choice is wrong, there maybe two or three things you will like about it.
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****Number one or number two, which one will it be****
*****Now open your eyes, to choice number three*****
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I will never know where I will end up in life, but when there is only two choices left, I go for number 3. Which is pretty much sit back and let fate decide for me. Will it be wrong? Who knows...
('''\(^.^)/''')
Hmmm I like your poem as
Hmmm I like your poem as well. Well, when I originally wrote it there where three paths, but I couldn't explain the 3rd so I changed it back to two... I like your 3rd path. I guess you can't explain what you can't even imagine. Thanks for the advice. ~Stace~
Another to be considered
by the way you express yourself, I can see that you have a bright path ahead of you, I hope you'll choose the path that will stir many hearts in the direction of the straight and narrow, and that you'll have great fulfillment
upon your journey. this was a good analytical write.
achieve your best
Your choice in words
is amusing..."straight", "narrow" ahaha. I'm glad you liked it. :) ~Stace~
love to amuse, however,
Straight: not evasive; honest.
Narrow: precise or strict in meaning
Fellow the road that is straight and narrow, which leads to complete success and freedom. Not according to base thinking but godly Wisdom.
Then you will understand the reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of [our omniscient] God.
For the Lord gives skillful and godly Wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding
Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of dilemma come and the years approach when you will say, “I find no pleasure in them"-
Before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain; when the keepers of the house tremble (with age), and the strong men stoop (are frail), when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows (eyes) grow dim... who knows how old they'll make their exit.
you should read the intensely written books of the bible, which are the Book of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, even if you don't believe, after all I'm sure you read every other thing out there.
achieve your best
Hmmm
I have read both of those books before as well as the majority of the bible. I will read them again, because you suggested it though I don't know what it will do for me. You are right; I have read all kinds of things. I do love to learn. I like to know other peoples perspectives on life which is why religions are fascinating to me. I am "blessed", you might say, with a very logical mind. Religion is not logical to me therefore I am simply no longer capable of believing in it(as much as I may want to). I did believe once, as much as I think anyone ever has. There is probably nothing about Christianity that you could teach me. I have heard it all before.... You know, it has always struck me as odd that many people who claim to have the key to salvation do not make an effort to spread what they believe is truth in there everyday lives. I do respect you for trying...You know, while we are on the topic...Tell me: Why do you believe in God? ~Stace~
Well Stace,
First of all I don't trust or even believe in Religion, because they are all altered to accommodate the egos of men. Religion to me speaks about "god" but deny the power and truth of God, so yeah Religion will only provide a place of false hope that makes one feel trapped in regulation and traditions of men. But we are free moral agents, that are free to choose life or death; good or evil, or right or wrong.
So to answer your question on my beliefs, well I believe in God because I have experienced Him and do always experience His presence with me and in me, but what really capped it off was what my wife and daughter went thru at my daughters' birth, I don't want to stress on details but it was a miraculous moment.
However Stace, in this world we live in today why should anyone not want to believe in God, and have a relationship with Him? I mean think about where we are as a highly civilized species.
Think about Africa or South America, or even Asia, just to name a few places where human life is down pressed. Think about all of our ideas and merits, our norms and cultures which keep failing many, yet they say we’ve evolved. Well we haven’t, we’ve just removed ourselves from the Lordship of Gods’ truth, replacing it with a lie that we’ve all grown comfortable with.
I don’t wanna preach to you or even tell you what to do, but because for my love for a lost, dying and not to mention-frustrated world I am compelled to share this grace that I’ve found. So you tell me this, why do you believe (if you do) that the universe has no end, though it isn’t proven?
achieve your best
Interesting...
You are one of those "I have Jesus not a religion" people huh? I never understood that. You believe in God(the god of the Bible) therefore you are a Christian and Christianity IS a religion. Do I misunderstand?
Anyway, I don't want to argue with you about the existence of God because I do miss believing and I think religion is good for a great many things such as teaching values and giving hope. I doubt I would have turned out to be as good a person as I am if I had been raised without religion, but saying that I still think I'm a good person now, perhaps even a better person because of my lack of religious beliefs. But religion gave me a lot of hope in hard times and for that I will always be thankful.
Ahaha...the universe has no end thing. I never could wrap my mind around the idea so no, I don't believe it. It seems illogical that it has an end as well as that it has none. I don't like to think about that one. Its just one big headache, similar to God. I'll believe it when they prove it or when I see it. Until then I can't say I know or don't know. Its okay to not have all the answers or at least its okay with me. It has to be.
~Stace~
Amazing writing ! I have
Amazing writing ! I have read all your works, and they stir so much emotions in me - make me cry.
I look forward to reading more.
Thanks.
P.S - Live your life for you.
Thank you. You read all of
Thank you. You read all of them?...oh no! I think some of the older ones are kinda bad...ahaha. I'll have to come read some of yours when I get a chance. :) ~Stace~
I Identify
I identify with your poem on many many levels.
I especially understand your need to stay "inside the cage" and "dwell for now". I've used a similar analogy recently to question how closely I've really been walking with the person I chose to share my path with, and where on the path we both are-I got to the point where I felt the need to just SIT in my path even if the person I share it with can't sit right now...
Anyway, I'm familiar with the personal nature of your conflict. It sounds like you fully realize how difficult either path has the potential to be, and I hope the time you spend in your symbolic cage helps you make a decision. I wish you luck and happiness and the freedom to be true to your heart, and thanks for sharing this!
I'm glad you like it and
I'm glad you like it and thank you for your words. ~Stace~