Criticism
Naked I stand on a cold gray cement slab,
feeling the irritation
from the cracks of paint,
under my two feet.
Like drinking soured milk,
the curdled clumps
just wont go down my throat,
gagging as they pass my tongue.
My stomach churns and tightens
forcing the bile upwards.
Hairs stand erect on my neck,
feeling each one against my tight collard shirt.
Veins swell and pulse
from my temple on the side of my head.
With tunnel vision I stare
at the black, blank TV screen.
-
- rrje4019's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- 323 reads
I got a lil confussed in the
I got a lil confussed in the second section to me the why its worded it sounds like your drinking cement.
if not your drinking sour milk. and if that the fact then i would think...
from the cracks of paint,
under my two feet.
Like drinking soured milk,
the curdled clumps
A. remove the whole first section
B. Change
Like drinking soured milk
to something that makes it sound like your standing there haveing a memory.
I like the scene you painted.
Misunderstanding
O wrote this poem after I submitted my diary poem on the other site here on the showcase where they review your poetry. As you can read I didn't like what they had to say. The cement slab is where I stood out on my patio. Drinking sour milk is a metaphor to how I choked on their words. Thanks though for reading and commenting. Ron
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
Hmm... Ron
Sounds like an experience I had... I stuck with another site for about 2 weeks, hoping to improve how I write. I understood where they were coming from, some of the comments would be a bit tough to take and in the end I just could not dedicate the time to it that it would require. I think content is more important than meter or structure, sometimes you just need a touch of flow to bring it to life.But who am I, lol, to say this, it is just my personal opinion. I have even thought about going back but I still don't have the time...
Your post here had also confused me, but now I understand it. take care-Lee
Happy 4th Lee
thanks for reading and commenting
ron
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
I think you captured
the how dare you feeling very well. For me I am a whole hearted amateur and enjoy the process of learning to communicate in different forms. I keep trying but for me life is too short to be savaged by someone. My opinion. I have a hard time when someone wants to change my words around and for me that may alter my intent of my own personal level of the poem. I write for that level and if it actually makes sense to anyone else great. You touched on a good subject ron. Happy 4th. raskin
Thanks Raskin
Happy 4th to you too
ron
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
A detailed account
of how one feels, this really is emotions out....Ron, I like it! :D ♥
Critcal Poetry Forum
Yeah I was a bit ticke doff about the comments after posting on that site. It was nothing but a bunch of pompus ass BS. Thanks Jewel for reading and commenting
ron
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
It's funny
how two sites supposedly doing the same thing can be so different-any time Ron :D ♥