The Exploding Penis
So I woke up this morning and got out of bed to use the toilet,
when suddenly
MY PENIS EXPLODED!
No, not like a spontaneous ejaculation,
(though that happens to me sometimes)
I mean like my entire penis blew up into tiny smithereens
Subatomic particles of my dick burst out into infinite directions
scattered on the floor, the smoldering ashes…
flashes of vanquished pubic hair singed…
behind what was once an erection…
Miraculously, however, my testicles were unscathed
(but it looked really strange only having a pair of balls with no penis attached)
I cried out in vain,
“What shall I do?”
“How will I urinate?”
“How will I have sexual intercourse?”
“How will I find Mrs. Right?”
I immediately phoned my doctor to inform him of my plight
He said that this thing happens quite often and is
vastly underreported by the media
It could easily be an unwanted side-effect
of all the prescription and non-prescription drugs
that I’ve been abusing
He said I should come to his office at once
so I can be fitted with a brand-new penis
I ran out my door into the humid Florida morning
(wearing only a hot pink bathrobe and hair curlers)
and jumped into my car, peeling out of the parking lot,
CRANKING up that new Lady GaGa song “Just Dance”
During the drive, I do hand dances along to the music
I “Vogue,” I “Pulp Fiction,”
I do that swim dive move that has been out of fashion since
before I was born; but I still do it anyway
The traffic on the Palmetto Expressway was a pain in the ass
I worried that I’d never get to the doctor’s office fast
Time is of the essence when these sorts of things occur
Fortunately I saw a cop decked out in fake fur
I pleaded to him “Officer! Help! My penis has exploded! I need to get to the doctor at once!”
He told me that the same thing happened to him four years ago in the Yucatan Peninsula
and provided me a police escort with blaring sirens through the highway
(he also did funky hand dances along on the way)
(and even did the YMCA)
When I arrived at the office,
my doctor showed me a bunch of new shiny penises to pick
He really had an amazing selection of pricks
I chose the latest model, in neon green, that came with a lifetime warranty
This one will never explode, the doctor guaranteed
My doctor also had an impressive assortment of vaginas,
which he attempted to cajole me on,
just in case I was interested in switching my sexual organ preference
I told him no; I’m satisfied with my current genitalia
And, as much as I love vaginas, they require too much maintenance
While he swore that he knew an innovative vagina mechanic, who does express
gynecological examinations in 15 minutes or less from his bedroom in Hialeah,
I told him no thanks and asked to be fitted with my new penis
After this, I left the office feeling refreshed
and happy
Nothing like a new penis on a sunny day
Nothing at all
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The Green Monster
NSF
I see, though not as Cock-eyed as you, that penis envy is nothing to be ashamed of.
:)
ron
"things are not always what they seem to be cause seams are in all things"
LMAO! That's one of the best
LMAO! That's one of the best and wisest comments I've ever received. Believe me, Ron, your whole outlook on life changes during an experience like this. I'm just glad that I got to the doctor in time. Thanks for reading.
NSF
Were they all the same length? just wondering....lol
Curious Linda
No! There were several
No! There were several different models, all of varying lengths, widths, and diameters. There were square ones, triangle ones, and even one that looked like an accordian. It was hard to choose from all such a selection, but I'm happy with the one picked out. Thanks for reading, Linda.
Ha Ha!
LOL, Neo!
As soon as I saw the title I knew it was you. Would love to see this in print one day...makes for good bed time reading!
DEbZ
xx
Thanks, Debs. A friend of
Thanks, Debs. A friend of mine from England, also a poetess, said this would make a good bedtime story, too. That's so weird that you also said that. Maybe I should publish a book of bedtime stories involving exploding penises. That's a great idea!
IT WAS THE DUMPSTER VAMPIRE!
Your Doctor made an incorrect diagnosis! It was a RARE STD that is carried in the EYE BLOOD of epileptic vampires. ONLY the Pakistani doctors can correctly remedy this! FIND THAT MAN IN THE TRENCH!
DO NOT FRET, my friend!
I am forwarding you the sum of 1,000,000 USD. The funds should show up in your Official Bank of Nigeria account within 24 hours.!!!!!!!
possessed by the spirit to share
Damn Epileptic Vampires
Thanks so much, Klonopin. I think you might be right about the cause. I'm about to head out the door right in search of that guy in the trench coat. I think I know what he's hiding in there... And thanks so much for the donation. You're a kind and beautiful soul.
I think you should move...
...perhaps somewhere in the North West? Do you realize that you have quite the issue with people ganking your stuff? They take your organs, your animals and now... just look at what they've done! Of course, the NW DOES have a fairly high concentration of vampires, (we pride ourselves on that fact). And.. I'm quite sure you wouldn't have found an adequate penis supply up here, for all the dicks seem to be in use right now by the locals. Anyhow...
I'm glad you picked green, it's one of my favorite colors.. but I do wish you would have consulted with Mrs Right before hand. Oh well, hopefully their interchangeable and I can get a rotating one!
;-)
LOL! Northwest where? I'm
LOL! Northwest where? I'm more of a warm weather person myself, that's why I like Florida. But if people don't steal my organs, animals, or penises there, I might consider a move. And I don't know why people keeping taking things from me. Maybe it's the tutu I wear in public. Something about a man in a tutu invites trouble.
My doctor said I can exchange my penis for another if need be. But I'm glad you like that color; I like it, too. I like it when women as groovy as you approve of my penis color. Thanks for stopping by, and if you ever spontaneously grow a penis, and that penis explodes, let me know because doctor is great with these sorts of things.
Green Neon (That's your new
Green Neon (That's your new name) I heard about penises exploding before but I always thought that it was something my mom and dad just made up like the Easter Bunny or the Ground Hog.. But then I was talking to Santa Clause one day and he said it happened to him. And of all times on Christmas eve... And that is why nobody got any presents from Santa in 1998 (You did not get one that year... did you?) Anyway I figured if it happened to Santa it must be true... But in the back of my mind I Thought maybe Santa was making that up just as an excuse because he did not give me anything that year... Then when he did not show up again in 1999... I said, “What happened Santa... Did you get a flat in one of your balls?” ... He said no he was fine and that I really was bad that year... I said what about 98 did you really have penis explosionitis or was that just a lame excuse because I was a pretty fuck’n good boy in 98... He showed me his jolly red unit... He got the Gorbachev penis... He said Mrs. Clause loves it... It has a birth mark in the shape of a heart on the head and she just can't take her eyes off of it. It was number one in consumer reports... In fact, out of 1000 woman that rated it all but one gave it a ten.... the only one that didn't was Mrs. Gorbachev herself... She prefers the Bush model… Anyway I went to Penis World just to scope a few out in case it happens to me… I thought I would put one on lay away in case of an emergency… I noticed that they had a Bin Laden and a Kenneth Ley models… I asked the penis clerk why they would name carry those models …surely they can’t be big sellers… He said that they were two of their biggest sellers because they are the two biggest dicks… He said they are coming out with a Madoff model soon…. It has a slogan with it: “The Madoff” for people who really want to get fucked!
See you Green Neon
Ray AKA NeonOrangeyobarney
Neo Neon, haha, that works!
Neo Neon, haha, that works! And thanks for this lovely story. Though I never did celebrate Christmas. We celebrated Festivus in my house growing up, and I still do to this day.
I never did like Santa, so I must admit that I'm glad his penis exploded. And the Madoff model, lmao, that was available at my doctor's office, but I wouldn't want it because it would be so close to my ass and since he likes fucking people so much, well, no thanks. Plus, it could always grow arms and legs and steal my wallet, too!
Brilliant!!
This was brilliant, I loved it, really really funny, although not funny what happened to you!
Andrew
Thanks, Andrew, for
Thanks, Andrew, for reading/commenting. Yeah, it wasn't too pleasant experience, but at least it gave me an idea for a demented poem. Probably all that jalfrezzi made it happen, or maybe that vindaloo! They need to warning labels on that stuff...
What an imaginative poem.
Well I am so glad to hear you got your issue worked out.
Great piece. (no pun intended)
Take Care.
Anastasia Starlena
Penis Caution
LOL! Yeah, I'm glad, too. You'd be surpised how often this sort of things occurs. My doctor says he sees at least 3 or 4 penis explosions a week. Please warn anyone you know that has a penis to be careful and to use caution. Thanks for reading.
wow...
few poems have actually made me laugh until i hurt, this was one...
now, I know...
...I've SEEN IT ALL!! ..OMG! you are off the chain, a dangling participle, left in remission to intersperse through the cosmos! an exploding penis, indeed! ROTFLMMFAO!!
*sign on billboard~~>"since when did the French start using the expression, "Pardon my English?"
http://Ron_Kinard.tripod.com/
My new penis doesn't dangle
My new penis doesn't dangle like the old one. It stays erect at all times, but is detachable, so I don't get embarrassed in public.
Thanks for
Thanks for reading/commenting, Bwall. Exploding Penis Syndrome can happen to anyone with a penis, at any time. I wrote this poem to raise awareness to the issue. Glad you enjoyed it.
penis awareness
Thank you nsf for the warning, because of you informing me of the dangers, I plan to have a weekly checkup to ensure I don't lose my.... Penis...
Penis Help
I'm glad I could raise your awareness about this issue, Bwall. Please careful with your penis.
hot!
i have always had a secret fetish for neon green penises (guess it's no longer a secret, huh?)... i am SO glad they are being made available to penis-explosion-victims! this is fantastic news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well - not the exploding bit so much.. that is not so cool... but the rest - fabulous fabulous!!!!!!
green penises
How ironic I find this comment on St. Patrick's Day! I'm so glad to find someone out there who likes green penises; I recently joined an online dating service and most of girls I emailed were appalled by the mention of my penis color in my profile. Your comment gives me hope that I might one day find Ms. Right. Thanks for reading, Phillippa. May all your penises be of a suitable color!
he he
why, thank you kind sir.... and it is my sincerest wish that your online dating service introduces you to the girl that has been waiting her whole life to meet mr green...! i am sure she is out there... holding her breath each time she views a potential partner's profile - hoping against all hope that today will be the day that the green p makes an appearance. it just struck me how eco-friendly that is... perhaps she will be a big fan of magic mushrooms and together you can expand your collection of rather interseting poetry! life could have dealt you a trump card with that explosion!
You're so right!
Maybe I should be grateful for my penis explosion! Perhaps there is a special lady out there in search of a green penised man, and I could be the answer to her prayers. I can imagine taking long walks on the beach with her now and eating the finest ice creams off her naked body... I'm going to keep up with that online dating and won't let those other girls who keep filing restraining orders against me get me down! Thanks again, Phillippa, I'm glad you're my friend!
that's what i need...an amazing selection of pricks...
Wonderfully brilliant poem you have here but I must say...it kinda hurts to read it! Who wants to envision their penis explo--oh no...I can't even think about that...like...ouch!
Thanks for sharing!
Penis Explosion
Why does it not surprise me that you enjoyed that particular line? LMAO! Glad you liked and do be careful of your member. Exploding Penis Syndrome is rather painful and happens much more frequently than the media would like you to believe. Thanks for reading. May all your penises be healthy and happy...
What can I say,
you have an amazing mind, and so prolific. And epic. Do you ever perform your poetry man? It's wild. That exploding penis shit really is some gritty imagery, swell.
Thank you so much
H.Math
exploding penis poem
an exploding penis poem would be fun to do live!
and i have done a few live performances, but don't too often because i live in a tiny beach town without much going on. i do online radio shows, however, and you should come by one and read on the air sometime. thanks for reading, my new friend; here's the url for the shows-
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/10KPoets