The Baboon Living in my Closet Is Named FRED
There’s a baboon living in my closet
His name is Fred
The voices in my head tell me his name is Steve
But I still call him Fred
The first time I saw him, I got totally freaked out
I was about to leave for my mitten knitting club
and reached into my closet for a Sombrero and spandex miniskirt to wear
completely unaware a baboon was in there trying on a pair of fishnet stockings!
!!!@@@@@@!!!
I screamed, shrieked, hopped, and hollered, and started spraying him down
with a fire extinguisher,
I’m not sure why, it just seemed a logical thing to do in the situation
After slamming the door shut, I called the police and reported the incident
But they didn’t believe me at all and disconnected the call
So I dialed the number for the psychic hotline
They’ll know what to do!
They’re psychic!
My psychic advisor informed me
that this is all a result of the subliminal messages being sent
through my computer from the poetry sites I visit
and that I might turn into a zombie and start eating people
or a 1970s street pimp that says things such as “jive-so-turkey”
or I might even have a nervous breakdown in the supermarket and
make sex with a melon while running
through the produce aisle in front of lots of onlookers
(sort of like Joaquin Phoenix rapping on David Letterman)
To avoid all this, I need to make friendly with the baboon in my closet,
then everything will be peachy, and I might even get laid with a bar slut, the psychic said
So I went back to the closet and apologized to Fred for shooting him with that fire extinguisher,
fed him some cereal and gave him a foot massage
Then we started talking, and I really got to know Fred
He speaks fluent French and is quite knowledgeable about foreign films and political matters
Now we’ve become very good friends and spend quality time together,
putting on Togas and having in depth intellectual discussions about socioeconomic issues,
doing crossword puzzles and drinking tea from exotic countries,
and lifting weights sometimes in the afternoons after “Oprah”
I really like the baboon living in my closet
If you, or anyone you know, finds out that they has a baboon living in their closet
Please be nice to that baboon
Especially if his name is Fred
-
- neocon_shakes_fear's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- 1083 reads
Related poems:
- SOMEBODY STOLE MY CAT!
- Diary of a Crack Smoking Cannibal (The Epileptic Vampire Remix)
- Please stop setting turtle shit on fire and throwing it at people.
- Flaming Penis Cannibals Gave Me THE SWINE FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Firing Newborn Babies from a Slingshot and Attacking Celebrities with a Cattle Prod!
Dude, You are ariot!
I laughed out loud when i read these lines..."fed him some cereal and gave him a foot massage
Then we started talking, and I really got to know Fred
He speaks fluent French"
OMG Neo...like I said before, "I love Neo's creative magination"
LOLZ!!!!
Linda
Please be nice to baboons in your closet
Thanks, Linda. Please promise that if you find a baboon in your closet, you'll be nice to it. Feed it some Italian food. Fred likes Italian food.
Ha Ha!
....I used to have a baboon called Betty....but she came to an unfortunate end when I swung her round my head one day whilst practicing a rap song!
Steve sounds nice, would he like to come visit me in Britian?
:.)
Betty smoked with me once
I knew Betty! I met her once in the toilet at a pub in Gloustershire. We talked about politics and smoked something I can't remember. It's too bad she died during your gangsta rap; she was really nice. I'll send Fred to visit sometime. Please don't call him Steve. His name is Fred!
funny
that was quite comical. I used to have a friend with a possum named daisy that lived in their bunk bed.
To dare to see is to steal fire from the gods. Three cheers for Eve!
bunk bed
Thanks, Ophelia. Fred and I sleep in a bunk bed and tell ghost stories. Sometime we'll invite Daisy over to join us.
I must confess
NSF,
I told stories to a monkey
who lived in a tree
near me.
raskin
Raskin
You're so lucky to have a monkey living in a tree near you. The palm trees here have lots of funky birds but not a single monkey. Fortunately I have a baboon in my closet. If not, I don't know what I'd do. Thanks for stopping by and may all your creatures be happy ones.
baboon?
Hahahaha!.
Yes! A Baboon!
No one believes me when I tell them! But it's true! It really is a baboon and not just another poet from the Showcase dressed as a baboon playing tricks on me.
jealousy
Wow, I am jealous, you guys have baboons in your closets, and monkeys in trees. The only thing I have is a scary squirrel under my bed with an exploded penis that always cusses and throws stuff at me... Dang! Must be because I am from Mississippi.
Mississippi
I've heard there is a huge shortage of baboons in Mississippi. Let me call my psychic advisor and see what she says will rectify the situation. As for the exploding penises, you're own your own with that! Thanks for stopping by, Bwall. Nice to see you as always!
"Afghan Mushroom"
Green Neon .. Did you break into my "Afghan Mushroom" bin again? You are too funny... By ythe way... Funny coming from me is like Charles Manson saying you're Crazy... The ultimate compliment!
Ray AKA Yobarney
Eating the mushrooms
That pasta Linda made me had some type of mushrooms in it, I'd no idea it was your special ones! At least I can now blame this poem on her and stop feeling so crazy for seeing a baboon in my closet. Thanks, Ray, you've made me feel a lot better.
You all are turning me silly...
Ok this is funny, You know I am a member of several different poetry sites. This one has to be my favorite you guys all are like going to a major party all the time. I laugh the whole time. I think this poem was funny and brilliant as always.
You know it kind of reminds me of the evil monkey in Chris's closet on the Family Guy.
Take Care,
Anastasia
Evil monkey in the closet
It's funny you mention that monkey. He's actually Fred's cousin named Melvin. Melvin was always a bad monkey; he got kicked out of school and lived in a dumpster for a while. Now he's tormenting poor Chris. Fred's not like that; Fred's a nice baboon. Don't be scared if you find a monkey in your closet, Anastasia. Most likely he's a nice monkey like Fred. Be nice to your monkies. Thanks.
The voices in my head say.....
his name is Charles, but maybe I have my own baboon!
And HAHA the psychic police!
possessed by the spirit to share
Baboon in the shower
I bet Charlie is a really nice baboon. My psychic advisor told me she has a baboon named Pearl living in her shower. I don't have a baboon in my shower, but if I did, I'd like it to be named pearl.
BEWARE!
I hear that Pearl is on the loose! She has the BIRD FLU!
possessed by the spirit to share
Pearl has the BIRD FLU!?
Oh, noes! Not the BIRD FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay
Think of McFly when I speak here. Or is that too bold?
I want a monkey. Or even a baboon. But the sorry part is I got a mouse. He's very smart though, and knows his numbers. We sit and read Twain and stuff. I think he want's to bring it to the next level, but I'm afraid. Any advice on that?
NO not you as^%&$le. I was talking to the monkey.
Have yours (Baboon) call mine (mouse.)
We'll do lunch.
Or they will anyway.
This reminds me (no it doesn't) of what Einstein once said... "Leave me alone."
Not sure he said that, ('cause I left him alone at that point,) but he must have. Why would I make that up?
Lol. And stuff...
Tom W
Coming soon... "Night of the awakening."
PS. This reminds me... I'm f&^*^ed!
Mice
Fred is afraid of mice. After what happened to Richard Gere, Fred doesn't go near rodents of any type. And I'll use my Oujia board to contact Einstein to see if he said that; I don't think he did. Didn't Einstein play bass in the Sex Pistols? Or was that someone else? Anyhow, thanks for stopping by, and if a baboon ever shows up in your closet, please be nice to it, especially if his name is Fred. Toodles!
youre to much dude
I don't know what's funnier,the poem or the comments you wrote back to people...like always,good stuff!
Ricklovin
Rick, I know you're nice to baboons
It's not you I'm worried about, it's others. That's why I wrote this poem. Fred is really nice. And I know you'll take care of the animals in your closet. Bill Maher does! So thanks for reading the poem and the comments, too. I try to have fun and be informative in these comments' sections. Always nice to see you on here, Rick. You're groovy, dude.
When I finish
laughing I want to meet Fred or maybe you could let me borrow him for awhile. You are awesome dude! Oh do you think while I am borrowing Fred I could maybe borrow your tutu? I think it would go great with my Cat o.... oh never mind, just say yes please.
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
- Mark Twain's Notebook, 1898
Of course you can borrow my tutu!
I have several. Today I'm wearing the purple one to school, but you can have a red or yellow one. And Fred is alway available for parties, bar mitzvahs, weddings, and all sorts of social gatherings. You can even have a quiet evening at home with him, too, if you'd like. He's a great cook and conversationalist.
oh freaking cool!
Ron and I are having a few friends over Friday, you and Fred are more than welcome to join us. I would like to borrow the red one, Ron is thinking along the lines of the black one... Never had a tutu party before and you said Fred smokes cigars? we'll be sure to have a couple hand rolled Havannahs to make Fred feel right at home..
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
- Mark Twain's Notebook, 1898
Tutu PARTY!
Hell yeah! We're happy to join you and Ron for a tutu party. I'll bring tutus and we can all play TWISTER and eat Cheetos. Fred and I are SO there. Thanks, Beth, this sounds totally groovy.
ps. love the Mark Twain quote, he's one of my favorites. Huck Finn rules.
Can Ron E
come in his riot gear? Do you have a tutu that will fit him?
Education consists mainly in what we have unlearned.
- Mark Twain's Notebook, 1898
Ron E in riot gear and a tutu
Yeah, I have an extra large tutu that the Masturbating Bear (a character from Conan O'Brien's old TV show) used to wear when he'd come by. Ron is welcome to wear it. Ron would look good in riot gear and a tutu.