Shooting Midgets from a Catapult and Watching Our Teacher Tap Dance Nude
I woke up late today
The alarm clock had grown arms and legs and ran away
Scratching my testicles and stumbling into the kitchen,
I found an alligator eating my Cheerios
There was no time to fight him,
so I took off my nightgown and slipped into some edible panties,
red tights, a green tutu, retro basketball jersey, and funky tennis shoes
I brushed my teeth and put my hair into pig tails
Then I stepped out the door
and mounted the unicycle I ride to school
After giving a stranger the finger, I took off onto the highway
(The” Miami Vice” theme song played in my head)
Upon arrival at school,
I saw Tiger Woods out on the front lawn
with a neck brace on,
shooting midgets from a catapult
A group of mimes were next to him,
involved in a limbo contest
Behind them was a three legged homosexual donkey called “Rufus,”
chasing a rogue peacock in circles like a loon,
whilst singing Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face”
completely out of tune
Inside the school, a roaming pack of football players,
in pads and helmets, tackled random people throughout the hallways,
as two cheerleaders named “Buffy” followed, waving pompoms,
and chanting the school fight song
As I walked into class,
I noticed that our teacher, Mr. Schlomsky, wasn’t there yet
Everyone looked puzzled…
When out of the blue, without warning,
Mr. Schlomsky fell through the ceiling and landed perfectly on his feet
(Totally perpendicular to the podium!)
A balding, obese and hairy Polish man of 5’2,
he was entirely naked except for a large pair of Versace sunglasses,
Polka-dotted bowtie and large red clown shoes
He looked around the room and didn’t say a word for about thirty seconds
And then
Burst into a fiery lecture about Confucius,
which was peppered with Russian curse words,
spastic hand and arm motions,
and brief outbursts of tap dancing
At the conclusion of the lecture,
he juggled pineapples,
and I stood up and applauded
Mr. Schlomsky then shapeshifted into a pterodactyl and flew out the window
After class, I saw Tiger Woods riding away on my unicycle,
giving me the finger and throwing golf balls at pedestrians
I tried to hail a taxi, but they were all full
Fortunately the baboon that lives in my closet, Fred,
was driving an ice cream truck nearby,
so I pole-vaulted onto the roof of the vehicle and surfed it all the way home
I hoped that alligator wasn’t still in my kitchen because I was hungry and needed something to eat.
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okaaaay
neo, take no offence when I say...U ARE WEIRD!
WEIRD but very funny....what an imagination!
I love how you involved fred, and I would love to see you with pig tails.
cheeky woods took ur unicycle, what are u planning to do about that by the way?
very funny read neo, ;p, thanx 4 sharing
peace
Pole-Vaulting to school
Thanks for stopping by Reps! Glad you enjoyed! And, yes, I am a bit weird, especially recently. After Ezra Pound's ghost showed up in my refrigerator, things have been wild. Not sure what I'll do about Tiger. For the time being, I just have to pole-vault onto vehicles and surf them to school and back. It's kind of fun, though.
weird and funny, but it may
weird and funny, but it may even happen because nowadays children cry http://aboutadultentertainment.com/Bare_Maidens_offer_Fantasies.php wow nude rather than watch in surprise, things are changing pretty quickly
my teacher doesn't tap dance nude anymore
He wears a leotard now. Thanks for reading, Keith!
HA HA!
...So glad to see the return of Fred (he's such a sweetheart) and the new character 'Rufus' too! (sounds quite a dude!)
It seems you have your hands quite full these days, with all these creatures roaming around -Ever considered running a zoo?
Another mad as hell, funny as hell write freind!
Debs
A Zoo?
What a splendid idea? I could start one for sure with the ghost in the fridge, baboon in the closet, imaginary cat, and alligator in the kitchen. That'd be awesome! And Rufus the three legged homosexual donkey is a tun of fun. He's great at karoke and can even play chess. Always nice to see you, Debs! I like you!
No Limits
To your imagination NSF! Love reading pieces like this because I never know what's coming next!
Another good write, original and amusing as always,
Dave
David Gibbs!
My friend from across the pond! Good to see you around these parts! Thanks for reading. I've been getting really crazy recently and trying wild stuff. Imagination is running on overdrive, and I'm glad I can subject people here to it or else I might get arrested for something. Thanks for stopping by!
NSF
you are a riot! PMSL..Thanks, now I will be smelling coffee all day (after blowing a nice hot mouth full through my nose) snorthing coke sucks, the bubbles are killer, but the coffee leaves a lot to be desired!~ Tell fred hi~ another wonderfully amusing write! ~Ron
*"whenever in doubt, dream...inspiration will happen when you least expect it.." r/k 2-2009
http://Ron_Kinard.tripod.com/
Fred
Says hi back. I was so lucky to find him driving his ice cream truck. Don't know what I'd have done otherwise, seeing as Tiger Woods stole my unicycle! Thanks for stopping by!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
How'd I know this was you??? OMG again...(my husband is wondering what I'm crying about...I told him I'm laughing not crying....LOLZ)
That Mr Schlomski sounds ~ HOT~ I never had a teacher like that...I have to go back and read this again, YOU defuinately made my day...I wish you were my neighbor..what a freakin blast you'd be!!!!
Thanks Neo. I love your humor!
Linda
ps...this is kind of how I dream...
:)
xo
Mr. Schlomsky
You're not the first female to fall under the spell of Mr. Schlomsky. All the girls in class have crushes on him. He must wear his sunglasses whilst walking around campus or else he'll be mobbed by adorers. I think that's why he started shape shifting into dinosaurs and flying out windows. Thanks for reading and tell Tiger Woods that I want my unicycle back next time you see him!!!!
dude!
This had me rolling,laughing now as I'm writing this! Awesome poem!!! You blow me away every time. I picture it all in my head and its like Pee Wee Hermans School Daze or something lol..I'm so glad I logged on today.
Ricklovin
Pee Wee Herman
I loved Pee Wee growing up! Watched the show, saw the movie. He rocked! Glad you enjoyed, my friend. I've always liked your stuff, too, so your compliment means a lot to me. That "I didn't stalk you" piece you wrote a while back is a classic on this site and one of my favorites. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Neo,
I am sitting here shaking my head (like grown ups do as they see someone walking across the street with a mohawk haircut, blue hair, bare feet, torn clothes, jeans down to their ass with underwear all hanging out, with a pet monkey on their shoulder) saying,
" Thank God he's not one of mine"
:)
ron
if a flagrant shot in the dark makes its mark is it grossly lucky ?
I'm Shocked!!!!!
Ron, you mean you wouldn't want a young man wearing a tutu, tights, and riding a unicycle on the highway as your child? I would think that'd be every parent's dream!
(Love your comment! Might be one of the best I've ever received! Thanks, Ron!)
I'm just saying ...
I would have to think real long and hard if I had to adopt you
hahahahahahaha
ron
if a flagrant shot in the dark makes its mark is it grossly lucky ?
I'd adopt you, Ron
and bring you home. Then I'd let you live in my closet with Fred. He likes having guests over but would like having a friend living with him in there even more. You're welcome anytime, buddy.
crazy
haha, you are very imaginative that's for certain! funny shit.
They say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.
Ophelia, were you arrested?
for spraypainting those vaginas on the Wal-Mart? I hope not, but if you need a lawyer, my teacher, Mr. Schlomsky, practices law, and would be happy to hear your case. Let me know if you need him. He'll do a tap dancing routine for you, or your friends, FOR FREE. Word.
arrested
they have to catch you to arrest you! thank god Hercules (my pet lion who likes to dress in drag) was there, cops are scared of him and he runs like the road runner even with the saddle and carrying my weight.
They say you can bear anything if you can tell a story about it.
This is why people should buy pet lions in drag
because they'll help you escape quick after spraypainting genitals on public and private establishments.
Thanks for sharing this nuggest of wisdom with us, Ophelia. I think it will be useful to all of us here at Everypoet.net. I know many poets like destroying property and vandalizing things.
Hahaha!
another good one, NSF. Your words put quite the image of this Mr. Schlomsky into my head! He is floating around in my brain now!!! ahaha!!!
Anyhow....
My seventh grade science teacher
was a pug-nosed alien
He made the kids dissect rotten crawfish
and we all puked
(wait! That is TRUE!)
possessed by the spirit to share
Dead Poets
In a Florida school district last year, a pug-nosed alien teaching 7th grade science was using the bodies of dead poets for dissection experiments. The kids liked using the poets much better than the usual frogs or crawfish. Maybe it's your teacher and he changed his methods due to all the children vomitting.
Hey my brother from another
Hey my brother from another mother, you are just too hilarious.
You're one of a kind my friend, do us all a giant favor, and don't ever change.
Thanks so much for all of the laughs and for all of your great support as well.
They'll never be another you!
Cristo :)
Cristo, my unicycle riding friend!
Didn't I see you the other day riding a unicycle on the highway? It sure looked you; I hope it wasn't my unicycle that Tiger Woods stole. I have a feeling like he might have pawned it. Anyway, thanks for stopping by. You're a groovy cat, and it's always good to see you around this corner of cyberspace.
Brill Neo!!
I don't know how you come up with this stuff but its brilliant, every one of them makes me laugh out loud.
Andrew
Crazy thoughts
I've just been having some really crazy and funny thoughts recently and figured I'd subject the readers of this site to them. Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reading, my friend.
Incredible!!
Okay when I read this Neo, umm....it was like I was watching a movie of one of my own dreams!! It was so flawlessly represented visually in my head that it's scary!! Shit!! It seems so perfect and SANE!! haha!! :)
Another brilliant crazy piece!!
Watch out for alligators
You never know where they'll show up! I really do wish the one in my kitchen would go already; he's being totally rude hogging all my Cheerios like that! Thanks for reading/commenting, Alt, be careful in your kitchen and watch out for alligators wherever they might be.