2010:
Deranged department store Santas run amok nationwide
surf motorcycles into shopping malls, carrying chainsaws,
hacking handicapped children to death...

They
throw grenades at amusement parks
throw cannibalistic midgets in baggy clothing from the roofs of high-rise luxury condos
throw angry alligators and piranhas into crowded swimming pools, lakes, and beaches
play football with newborn Ethiopian babies
storm into hospitals with flamethrowers, incinerate the sickly and infirmed,
pull plugs on ventilators, detach artificial kidneys, taser people with pace makers,
stab silicon breasts with ice picks, push over occupied portapoddies,
fuck themselves up the ass with bananas in Church confession booths,
snarl, growl, and garrote senior citizens in movie theaters…

States declare public emergencies, call in National Guard,
SWAT teams machine gun down any Santa (or portly elderly person with long white beard they see)

Gangsta rappers all over the world begin to rap about and glorify the deranged Santas,
often dressing as Santa on stage
Parents groups decry the gangsta rappers, turn to vigilantism, rampage into nightclubs,
utilize sledgehammers to bludgeon random rappers
ACLU angered by random rapper attacks- rig soccer mom minivans with mafia-style car bombs…
On the cycle of violence turns,
and people begin to become nostalgic for the days
when all one had to worry about was a deranged Santa attack…

2011:
All toilets have been abolished and replaced by snake-like mechanical arms
(designed by Microsoft)
that protrude from the bathroom wall, attach themselves to a person’s genitals or anus,
and violently vacuum and suck the excreta out

Often these devices will malfunction, freeze up, clamp onto a person’s penis and/or vagina,
and paramedics must detach the machines from the unfortunate genitals

Occasionally entire genitals get ripped off by a defective model
or a perverted male attempts to engage in sexual activities with it and loses a testicle
All together, going to the bathroom becomes a terrifying experience no one enjoys;

so people take to wearing diapers
and build elaborate underground toilet networks consisting of old-fashioned toilets and urinals,
but these networks soon become run by organized crime,
and wars between rival criminal organizations break out over control of the underground toilet industry…

2012:
Several politicians are revealed to be people who rarely change their underwear, as well as people who
routinely dress up like someone from the opposing political party,
knock on a person’s door, and hold up a large cardboard check for 100 million dollars,
telling the person they’ve won a Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes

The person who answers the door will go into hysterics, crying, hugging, thanking-
then the politician suddenly yells “PSYCH!” and runs away

Some politicians even break into people’s houses,
drug them while they sleep and shave off the person’s pubic hair, collect it, and make wigs out of this pubic hair,
so they can use the pubic hair wigs to disguise themselves as Slash and get free drinks at bars and restaurants

Slash finds out about this,
waits outside male clinics and kicks politicians who just received vasectomies in the nuts or smashes a guitar over their heads,
then goes on television and fornicates with a purple sock puppet that talks in a thick New England accent and has a slight (but noticeable) lisp

2013:
All losing contestants on American Idol are mauled to death by dancing grizzly bears, live on the show…
The audience at home gets to vote on the grizzly bear’s dancing and battering skills…
The grizzly bears start to feel guilty about tearing apart so many bad singers limb by limb
and appear on a special episode of Oprah where they cry, confess to having abusive childhoods…

the audience cries, Oprah tears up, but then the grizzly bears have a change of heart and maul Oprah and everyone in the crowd to death, realizing that they are, after all, grizzly bears and can make more money mauling people to death and dancing than doing anything else, especially like working in the satellite TV call center they were in before and really detested because felt as though they weren’t doing anything valuable with their lives and wanted to do something more rewarding and exciting with themselves