My Psychiatrist Is A Gangsta-Rapping Leprechaun, Who Does Yoga, And Is A TOTAL SPAZ!!!!
Recently, I’ve been putting on sexy lingerie
under my trench coat and
going out into the crowded South Beach streets,
flashing people and then smacking them in the face
with a flyswatter whilst yelling
"DON'T TAKE MY PRETZELS!"
Obviously, this has gotten me into some trouble and
more than one or two acquaintances have recommended that
I seek professional help to deal with my underlying issues.
(This behavior really started when a poet named "Raskin"
broke into my apartment when I was away
at my weekly ballet lesson
and abducted the ghost from my refrigerator.)
I found the number for a psychiatrist- “Dr McGinty”
written on the bathroom wall
at Denny’s
and decide to give him a call.
He lives on the other side of Florida, but
I can get there quite fast via my rickshaw pulled by imaginary baboons.
When I get to his office for my appointment,
I see a grizzly bear by the name of "Ronald Edwards" with full riot gear on,
dancing the "Macarena" in the waiting room.
The receptionist,
who looks much like Jabba the Hut,
takes my insurance details telepathically and sends me right into his office,
which looks like a yoga studio…
Dr McGinty is in there hanging upside down from the ceiling like a bat,
speaking in gibberish, and doing sign-language to no one I could see.
He looks like a leprechaun, talks like a pirate and
when he sees me,
he starts rapping a 50 Cent song entitled “In Da Club.”
I rap it with him and tell him how my other psychiatrists
never let me gangsta-rap during therapy;
I very much enjoy gangsta-rapping;
I gangsta-rap in the shower and to old ladies in elevators a lot.
Dr McGinty does a back flip down from the ceiling,
then starts doing yoga.
I join in.
We do the “flaming monkey” position and
he starts to tell me the secret to not flashing people my thongs in public anymore.
All of a sudden, a waterspout from the bay outside his office breaks onto land!
Crashing through the window,
it hoists Dr McGinty away!
It spares Jabba and me, though.
We’re both unharmed but alarmed.
So then, for absolutely no apparent reason,
we both start breakdancing and doing summersaults.
Yeah…
I’ll think I need to go back to the toilet at Denny’s
and find another psychiatrist.
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Dedicated to all my wacky pals
Dedicated to all my wacky pals here at the Showcase. You all never cease to inspire me!
I'm so sorry...
...but you left out the best part! What happened to the teddy bear in full riot gear? This leaves a lot of unanswered question, like who was taking care of FRED while you were out at the ballet learning a new step? And why Denny's? Seems Waffle House would be more along the lines of finding a Yoga inspired Leprechaun shrink...which leaves even more questions....
p. s. you are too much...LMAO
*"whenever in doubt, dream...inspiration will happen when you least expect it.." r/k 2-2009
http://Ron_Kinard.tripod.com/
toilets at waffle house
I've heard bad things about the psychiatrists from the Waffle House, Ron K. Stay away from them! And the stuff that Rufus and Fred do when I'm at my ballet lessons is TOTALLY wild. It could be like a whole 'nother poem. There's really only so much I can subject people on this site to in one piece, anyway. Thanks for reading and STAY AWAY FROM THE WAFFLE HOUSE TOILET! PLEASE!
Riot Gear
is on sale. You see I need to buy additional outfitts after starting this new job with Dr. McGinty. First off Dr. McGinty keeps inviting other patinets to stop by the office and critque my version of the Macarena. I have pit stains on my favorite Riot Gear Suit( the one with a 9mm Glock sewn into each hip pocket and a yoo-yoo on the fly) and need to replace it. Dr McGinty's friends don't know a thing about the Macarena and have me sweating up a storm. SOOOOOOOOOOOO if your interested in Riot Gear I am hitting a small shop I came across in Iraq
that sells vintage and sometimes slightly stained Riot Gear. If your in the need let me know.
ron "the grizz" edwards
When you point your finger there are three pointing back at you.
Ron E
I might have to buy some of that riot gear from you. Fred's cousin, Melvin, is an evil baboon, and has threatened to physically harm my testicles. Does your riot gear protect testicles? If so, I'll buy some FOR SURE because I like my testicles and want to protect them. Thank you.
Attachment
I have found an attachment on ebay that is made from steal mail and formed into a banana shaped bowl with Velcro. It also doubles as a colander which will come in handy on pasta night. I highly recommend it, come to think of it I was wearing one when I was playing water polo in a piranha infested river in Africa last year. I was the team MVP because while everyone had one hand under the water I was free to use both hands. I can also loan you my favorite Riot Suit with the twin Glocks but don’t go walking the dog with the yoo-yoo, It will be an open invitation for Melvin.
When you point your finger there are three pointing back at you.
Yes, Ron!
You see, this is why I like talking to you, Ron. You offer so much useful information. I'll gladly purchase that attachment from you! I sure wish I had it last time I played Water Polo in Africa; I'm still walking funny after what those piranhas did to me! Thanks again, Ron, you're one swell fellow. Mevin will never hurt me now!!!!!!!!!
I also suggest
When sleeping nude at night I leave mouse traps all around me with Gorgonzola cheese sprinkled with Quaalude powder. I figure if it doesn’t catch naughty friends like Melvin I can always have a great fondue when I wake up.
Melvin didn't eat
my testicles last night after I took this suggestion. Thanks for that. Unfortunately, my neighbor wasn't so lucky. I've posted a flyer with this message from you around my apartment building. Hopefully everyone will read it before it's too late. Thanks for looking out for other poet's testicles, Ron. You're a swell guy and a true friend.
wow
This is like the best poem ever.
Thank you LCoyote
I knew a coyote named "Earl" who would play poker with an alligator behind the shrimp shack near the bay in Sarasota, Florida. He was really nice.
Neo, THIS IS IMPORTANT!
Please, DO NOT, under any circumstances, look the leprechaun shrink in the eye! He will enchant you and haunt you FOR LIFE!
possessed by the spirit to share
Dr McGinty
Don't worry, Klonopin. I heard that, too, from Raskin (she'd left a post-it note on the fridge after stealing Ezra). But last I heard is that Dr McGinty is floating in the Gulf of Mexico, living among a school of sharks, and has no plans to return to Florida. A bisexual surfer I know saw him recently and said he is still doing yoga, though.
Ha Ha!!!
You are one crazy dude which I'm glad to have had the pleasure of getting to know -
YOU ROCK!!
Debs ~
P.s - give my warmest regards to Fred and Rufus, will ya?
Rufus and Fred
really like you, Debs. They want you to come baby-sit them next time I go to ballet practice. Will you? Please?
Sure!
Sure thing Neo, no probs!
Just give us a buzz and I'll fly over on my imaginery carpet. (it's quicker that way and beats public transport)
The veiws over the atlantic are amazing too!
Debs ~
Ha Ha!!!
You are one crazy dude which I'm glad to have had the pleasure of getting to know -
YOU ROCK!!
Debs ~
P.s - give my warmest regards to Fred and Rufus, will ya?
Rufus
read your poem to that guy in the gym and they're going out for coffee tomorrow! Thanks for that, Debs! You're a super-pal for assisting my three legged homosexual donkey like that.
Great News!!
French coffee I hope!
Debs ~
Italian
they had an Italian roast and held hands during a romantic walk on the beach. Thanks again, Debs, for the magic of your poetry. It really brings homosexual donkeys together.
laughed OUT LOUD!
Neo, I laughed out loud when I read about Ron doing the macarena...Dont know why that cracks me up but it does. I guess anyone dancing the macarena cracks me up...LOLZ
My stomach is killing me. Neo, You are amazing. I love your humor and I know I've said it before. But man, you are going places buddy. Someday your name will be up in lights!
Youre THE MAN, NEO
Thanks
Linda
Ron does a mean Macarena
He's amazing! We need to get some footage of him on youtube! He's kinda shy about it and doesn't tell many people or do it that often in public. But he should! He really should! Thanks for reading, Linda. And just to let you know, I'm having pasta tonight and acting like Caligula JUST FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOLZ!!
Are you going to eat pasta NAKED? LOL
"Caligula Puttanesca" would be a great name for a dish...~~ spicy~~.......
Thanks Neo, I just love you!
Linda
Pasta naked
of course! I'm always naked when I eat pasta. Doesn't everyone eat it like that? Am I missing something? Maybe there's a reason why I keep getting thrown out of Italian restaurants... But you know, Linda, when I eat pizza, that's when I wear a tutu.
hot pizza!
So glad to hear about the tutu when you eat pizza...you know when you cant wait to eat that first bite? and then you burn the hell out of the roof of your mouth? well, if that first piece ever dropped onto your lap....you be scarred for life and have to go buy a new penis...again... a purple one
Linda
ps, i feel mental now
new organs
I don't know, Linda. I might buy a camouflage penis instead of a purple one if anything (heaven forbid) were to happen to my new penis. Camouflage would match anything, and I could wear any color tutu and panties I want. Thanks for this message, though, I hadn't thought much about the color coordination of my penises, but I really should.
Sorry no youtube
The last time someone shot footage of me they edited the hell out of the clip and inserted a commercial for hemorrhoid pads. It had Juan Valdez Coffee donkeys saying, “If these pad are good for Juan’s ass just think what it can do for yours?” Then it had subliminal messages added in to support meter maids in neighborhoods around the world. My mamma always warned me there be days like these.
I still wanna see you macarena
damn the 'roids! The world needs to see the grace and eloquence of your macarena moves. The fluidity is marvelous; I've never seen a grizzly bear dance like that. You're a national treasure, Ron, and if my ass catches fire for the sacrifice of seeing you dance, SO BE IT.
pretzels
I wasn't taking your pretzels I was borrowing them! I saw Dr McGinty once, had an issue with my obnoxious shadow, he was good for a lap dance but didn't help me much with my shadow. I would try the Pizza Hut toilet stall- they have better recommendations.
Pizza Hut stall
Last time I went into a Pizza Hut, the whole bathroom was flooded, I should have been wearing galoshes, but was wearing flip-flops, slipping and sliding like I was on ice. I do not recommend the PH stall! Now the BP station (if you can get around the bears and bees) are great, they are clean and smell good. BP only wants it's customers to have the finest accommodations.
I think I'll place an order for some riot gear, this crazy squirrel with the briefcase is back and he's been eyeballing my crotch, makes me wonder if he's gay or hungry? Maybe I should introduce him to your three legged homo-donkey, or just feed him pistachios until he leaves...
*"whenever in doubt, dream...inspiration will happen when you least expect it.." r/k 2-2009
http://Ron_Kinard.tripod.com/