XII:
I walked into Wal-Mart dressed in Eskimo gear and jumped an imaginary jump-rope all through the aisles
and stagedived off a dining room set and yelled “I want a new television” at the security guard
who escorted me out the door while hitting me in the head with a broom.
So I didn’t buy any new televisions.
And I cross-country skied through the city streets back to my home where I
flapped one arm like a bird and practiced my mating call.

XI:
One of the circus clowns I have duct-taped to my balcony had a boa constrictor erupt from his mouth.
That circus clown broke free and ran into my apartment, tried to fuck the floor,
and then frantically banged on my neighbor’s front door, repeatedly requesting to use the bathroom.

X:
I called up a phone sex hotline and impersonated an elderly British woman.

IX:
Thought about punching the snaggle-toothed Jamaican busdriver that has one eye which is slightly bigger than the other.

VIII:
Saw a short Pakistani man in a one piece pink miniskirt sleeping on the roof of a cop car and
screamed out my window to him about the naked man with a machine gun
that lives in the park and says he gotta octopus and a banshee in his fanny pack.
The short Pakistani man subsequently
accused me of riding kangaroos like ponies and dancing like a gay person…
neither of which I deny.

VII:
unbeknownst to me, the pelican faced math teacher
that crawled out of my toilet punched the broken kitchen sink.

VI:
Thought back to when I was a transvestite:
I done dragged my psychiatrist by his webbed foot
and phoned the man of self-destruct on a payphone, and told him I
found an ass-painted toilet abandoned beside a graveyard; it probably don’t belong to nobody.

V:
Took a mule ride on a sand dune canyon and stuck a crayon in ma rectum and sang Enya and later watched the Conan O’Brien show; you know, Conan’s hair is not really hair, it’s a toupee-like mammal with frog legs, which once leapt off his head during a live taping and bit audience members in their noses; after that it calmly crawled back up on Conan’s head, and everybody acted like nothing happened, and they all went on with the show without further incident.

IV:
While hang gliding, I picked up a hitchhiker with a shrunken head and mechanical feet
who said that Octo-Mom windsurfed the Caribbean and
got shipwrecked on a verdant island infested by one-legged turkeys with mohawks and nose rings,
and the turkeys purportedly ripped her apart and sent her remains by carrier pigeon to:
The Stolen Cat Living in a Dishwasher.

III:
Viewing too many LOLCAT pictures can cause erectile dysfunction and abnormal vagina movements
!

Drunken Cell Phone Call to my Baby Mama, 4 AM:
Hi. I went into the department store, tried on a little black dress,
and proceeded to pay for it with a wheel barrel filled with 50,000 pennies.
I dumped the pennies at the clerk’s feet and said “Merry Christmas, motherfucker!” CLICK.

My phone doesn’t seem to be working properly anymore
so I’m mostly communicating with people via smoke signals, telepathy, and sign language.

MANATEE COUNTY COURT, 8 AM:

Furthermore, Your Honor, I talk like a pirate on the phone when I call customer service representatives…

And after I found the Loch Ness Monster in my bath tub performing analingus on 50 Cent,
I ran like a dog and urinated on fire hydrants.

II:
DIDN’T I TELL YOU MY NAME IS NOT PAUL
?

I:
The talking lizard I hallucinate when I have the sexual encounter
with disgruntled poets wearing Richard Nixon masks in parking lots of dimly lit motels on Route 1 says he saw

“JLO’S BUDDI TURN INTO HOT AIR BALLOON. SHE FLY AWAY AIRBORNE BY HER BUDDI.”

“….”

/dragon shit is frozen on my vanity mirror and

you can throw a dead horse through my window but I still won’t shave my uneven facial hair growth.

FUCK