I was doing a handstand and watching an exercise video,
when a homosexual teenage vampire on a pogo stick
burst out of a fireplace that doesn’t exist
and hopped out into my living room;

he was shrieking hysterically and just totally fucking with my serenity…

So I grabbed a boomerang from the pouch of my pet kangaroo, Raul,
and threw the boomerang at the vampire, decapitating him instantly

I sighed in relief, thinking the vampire was dead, but then the vampire’s head
grew centipede legs and
bat wings sprouted out of its ears and it began flying around my apartment
like a crazed, homicidal wombat on meth

So I pulled a tennis racquet out of my television's prosthetic anus
and chased the flying head, swatting away at it,
soon hitting it dead on, slapping it against the wall...

The flying decapitated homosexual vampire head bounced back off the wall
and I hit it again and again against the wall, playing racquetball or maybe more like
Jai-alai with it

Raul grabbed a stray midget Eminem clone wearing lederhosen
who’d been chained by the foot to my ceiling fan

and picked the midget up by the legs and swung the midget’s body like a baseball bat at the flying vampire head,
whacking the flying vampire head so fiercely that it crashed through the window of my apartment and flew out into oncoming traffic,
landing in the backseat of an open convertible driven by a nun with a mohawk who was eating a pretzel and listening to loud hip hop music

I was relieved the vampire scare was over,
but then looked over my shoulder and saw the ghost of Vincent Van Gogh with his pants pulled down,
brandishing a long bright green penis that resembled a garden hose, which he was using
to paint impressionist caricatures of politicians fornicating with goat-faced people whose arms were covered in obscene tattoos

As much as I love impressionism, I became concerned about losing my apartment’s security deposit,
because he was painting these caricatures all over my refrigerator,
and I asked the ghost to please desist, to which he scoffed and flapped his arms and made gobbling turkey sounds

So I picked up the midget Eminem clone and hurled him at the ghost,
but the ghost disappeared before impact, and the midget slammed face-first into the refrigerator and began crying and I kinda felt bad about it and apologized to him

I suddenly felt the urge to defecate and went to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet...

Within seconds I felt a cold hand reaching up out of the bowl, slapping, poking, and clawing away at my buttcheeks and testicles,
and I sprung up and saw my high school principal covered in feces, attempting to crawl out of my toilet and grab me

He was singing “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns N’ Roses in an awful high-pitched voice that angered me immensely...

I proceeded to Kung Fu kick him in the jaw, grabbed a plunger, and pushed him back into the toilet with it and flushed him back down
Then I pulled up my pants, went back into the living room, and returned to doing a headstand and watching exercise videos

All of a sudden I remembered that my prison pen pal, a deranged, bald-headed ballerina, had escaped from the mental hospital nearby,
and I hoped that she’d come by my house so she could follow up on her promise to have sexual intercourse with me while doing her famous Bill Cosby impersonation

Bill Cosby impersonations make me horny