Flaming Penis Cannibals Gave Me THE SWINE FLU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flaming Penis Cannibals tore up my Lady GaGa poster,
purposely punctured the blow up Susan Boyle sex doll I fly as a kite every once in a while,
and sent LSD laced penis shaped cupcakes to all my coworkers-
even the humpbacked, one- armed, tri-sexual janitor named “Igor”
who looks strangely similar to Regis Philbin during cunnilingus convulsions.
They
ran up behind me yodeling, flailing their arms,
just so they could Kung Fu kick my rear-view testicles and
put super glue on the toilet seat, itching powder in my Scooby Doo man-thong,
and then shot me in the anus with a paintball gun
when I showed up outside their bedroom window playing the ukulele,
serenading them with “In a-Gadda-Da-Vida” accompanied by a full Mariachi band and
stole my favorite werewolf costume, platform boots,
AND Gene Simmons getting a blowjob mask,
and microwaved my sunglasses,
then baked the microwave under the broiler,
then set the oven on fire.
They
got into a fistfight with my mother and spit on her uterus;
gave out my phone number to the angry mob of officious telemarketers
who hid a rabid hermaphrodite kangaroo under my bed
where it spastically sodomized my three-legged homosexual pet donkey, Rufus.
So now…
I’m camped out on the Cannibals’ roof in my army issue tent.
Full camouflage.
Knocking "You are my Sunshine" over their bedroom every night;
and I’ve installed a full-sized nude model of myself copulating with a Panda bear on their front lawn
and am plucking all the roses from their bushes, replacing them with pink flamingos,
holding a pancake breakfast on their driveway to raise money to save the Caribbean squirrels,
decked out in a pink tutu and neon-green cowboy boots,
telling all of their neighbors about the STD(s) they contracted
after making a buttsex conga line with cross-eyed Vietnamese transsexual golfers
in purple Cinderella attire in that hyena infested alley behind a shady Disney tattoo parlor outside of Butte.
In bitter retaliation the Flaming Penis Cannibals injected my urethras
with a malicious sexually telepathic form of the Swine Flu
that causes people to urinate midget goat replicas of themselves
who then crawl back up the urine stream
and gnaw away at a person's penis and/or vagina
whilst crooning “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” again and again and again and again…
Fuck you, Cyndi Lauper!
YOU ARE NO HUMAN BEING AND ARE TO BLAME FOR THE SWINE FLU!
(Respect to the Gorilla Testicle Monster for inspiration)
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I gotta meet this gorilla testicle monster...
and what you got against penises, buddy? If you're not exploding them, you're feeding them to cannibals! Remind me to never come to a barbeque at your house. At least the Susan Boyle doll would be safe!
Seriously, though...you are incredible...your work is just so over the top and hilarious...you gotta love it! You are the master of this stuff, dude...and it's awesome!
Take care,
Mark
Flaming Penis Cannibals
Hahahaha! Dude, I have nothing against penises at all! This poem is all the Gorilla Testicle Monster's fault! And don't worry, my BBQs are tame affairs.
Thanks for reading and your kind words and if you know of anywhere to get a replacement Susan Boyle sexdoll, please let me know. Everybody seems to be sold out right now...
The next best thing
Neo I am still looking for a Susan Boyle sexdoll with no luck yet . You might want to try Japan
see http://technorati.com/videos/youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DHGfaQCY_bo4
BUT I did find ...
Sex Dolls For Dogs - The Rubber Vicar’s Leg
SEX aids for dog? What isn’t possible on the Internet. And with the vicar round for tea, and all…
AS Gizmodo writes:
“IS your dog in heat and humping anything it can wrap its horny little legs around? Are you constantly having to pry your promiscuous pooch off the legs of guests, parents and members of your church? Protect your leg from a hump attack by getting Scruffy a Hotdoll. Yes, it’s a sex doll for dogs. It’s shaped like a dog and it’ll allow your tension-filled pet to go to town as much as his little heart desires, humping away until he passes out in exhaustion, leaving a wispy coil of friction-singed dog-fur smoke wafting into the air.”
But is it dishwasher safe?
see http://www.anorak.co.uk/twitterings/172666.html
I am still laughing dude.........
:)
ron
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
what a ride!
What a riot! ALL of you! This is PRICELESS! ROTFLMAO!
*"whenever in doubt, dream...inspiration will happen when you least expect it.." r/k 2-2009
http://members.tripod.com/Ron_Kinard
Ron K
I hope the Flaming Penis Cannibals don't get to you next!!!
Dog sex dolls
I bet I could use that in place of my Susan Boyle doll that the Cannibals destroyed. Thanks, Ron! You know my Susan Boyle doll wasn't even dishwasher safe, I had to take a firehose to that thing...
I was laughing tears...
...gosh that felt good.. THANKS for that...you are awesome. I always think you can't get funnier...what a riot!!
Soni
Ps: sex dolls for dogs? LOL that's even a new one for me!!
Flaming Penis
The Cannibals gave me a new disease, along with the sexually telepathic swine flu, called the "Flaming Penis" where I urinate fire. I've destroyed several toilets already, so now I'm just going into lakes and the Gulf.
CrAzY
Crazy
Dark
Weird
Insane
Mind Blowing
Fantastical fun!
Debs ~
Debs, don't you play the ukulele?
I thought you played that or the bagpipes and kept a pet monkey in the cutlery drawer. Or was that one of the Cannibals... I can't remember.
Funny as hell....
That is some @#$% up writing.. I LOVE IT. lol . Write on Neo.. Write on.
Peace
Guy
creative365 / Guy Hoffman
http://www.flickr.com/creative365
Guy
Thanks for stopping by. Please don't let the Cannibals get to you next. They hate Cheez Wiz, so if you have any in your house, please keep it near you at all times. The Cannibals said that they might be coming after other Showcase members soon, so beware!!!!!
YOU'RE GONNA GET THE SWINE FLU!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2n2C09JNTc
I just watched both of your YouTube videos
You are fucking out of your mind hahahahaha What was with the toothbrush and what was on the end of the snorkel? Love the pink tutu. So you go by the nickname Herbert ???? My tarot card reading lawn gnome named Gerehart that lives under my mailbox told me I would meet a bathroom dancing, headphone wearing , Hawaiian shirted poet named Herbert. I told him he was full of shit,no one is named Herbert. So I was wrong. Now I have to make amends to Gerehart which entails wearing leiderhousen and sitting on a toad stool discussing the social underlying meanings of Alice in Wonderland vs Lady and the Tramp.
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!!!!!
It was not me in those videos, Ron. I was abducted by aliens over the weekend, and they cloned my body and had my clone make all sorts of weird videos! Don't trust anything the clone is saying... And no, I'm NOT Herbert! There is no one named Herbert! You take those leiderhosen off you right now, Ron! The aliens might get to you next... Be careful. I think they are in cahoots with the Cannibals.
Thank God
My leiderhosen had gotten wet and is shrinking. I would have been in severe pain having to wear them with Gerehart. He is the slowest reader and I would have been on that toad stool all day. I knew there is no one named Herbert, damn aliens. That's it the riot gear is on and my super soaker is filled with spoiled liquified egg embryos. I hear aliens hate the smell of spoiled liquified egg embryos especially if it gets in their nose or gills ( depends what planet they are from.) So what are you going to do with the clone?
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
I'm going to feed my clone to the alligators
Dam clone stealing my body and making bathroom tutu videos! How dare he?! Maybe I can shoot him with your watergun.
I got a spare
It's all loaded with an additional gallon and is yours for the using. I'll send Wolfgank (Gereharts twin gnome) over with it immediately as soon as he books his flight on Expedia. Good Luck with the aliens. I hear clones down look down at their feet so heres what you do. Coat the bathroom floor with vaseline, he'll walk in slip and hit his head knocking himself out. then he's yours. I suggest the garbage disposal or trash compactor. If this doesn't work I have plan B.
"It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to." W.C. Fields
http://cdn.pitchfork.com/images/original/42363.biffyclyro.JPG
Coat the walls with vaseline to repel aliens
That's a great idea, Ron! Please send Wolfgank over ASAP! The aliens visited me last night and stole my waffle iron! I need all the help I can get. Thanks again for your advice. I bet the aliens or the Cannibals never bother you.
:)))
What happen to the baboon Fred?
Ubi vita, ibi poesis!
My pet baboon
Is out hitch-hiking through Eastern Europe right now. He's on a quest to "find himself." Thanks for asking.
So this is what happens when
So this is what happens when one is potty trained to early in life. I call it sphincterifcation itching seamen syndrome yankytoomuch also known as Sissy Worship. Nice write.
OZ
I was never toilet trained
I was raised on a chicken farm by a suicidal cult of transvestites who never toilet trained me and to this day I just go whenever and wherever I please. Sure, it gets me arrested sometimes, but it saves a lot of money on toilet paper, and I'll never catch Swine Flu from the germs in the bathroom. Thanks for reading, OZ. I hope the Cannibals leave you alone.
LSD laced penis shaped cupcakes ???? omg
neo, hilarious once again. I keep wondering how on earth you keep on coming up with this outrageous stuff...have you been sampling the cuppy cakes??? lol
I was away for 4 days and pleased to see your write up there when i got home...i had to read it a few times before commenting....my brain cant comprehend it after only one read... you are....an incredible human...
:) Funny as hell!
Linda
Penis Cannibals sent me some, too
And they were good. It was actually the Gorilla Testicle Monster who is to blame for this one, though. He's a spirit who lives in my oven and he came out one day when I was eating tacos and possessed me to write this. Sometimes I get mad when spirits possess me, but I was happy with how this came out, so I decided to post it and thank him for his help. Thanks for reading, Linda, good to see you back around here.
AMAZING!!
love love love it neo! so funny and inventive, do you take the imagination growth pill everybody's on now? it's the in craze hehehehehe!!! I couldn't stop reading it, the only downside is I wet myself from laughing so much!!!!! :D ♥
Sorry for that
If you ruined you tutu, I'll be happy to let you borrow mine. And no, I haven't been taking any pills recently, just been playing the ukulele a lot and spending time with my pet donkey, Rufus and his new friend, the hermaphrodite kangaroo. They're a lot of fun. Thanks for stopping by, Jewel. I'm still carrying a cucumber, btw....
Glad to hear it
Cucumbers come in so handy for a number of things after all hehe! any time neo, I love stopping by to read your writes-they can always put a smile on my face! :D ♥
neo, u wierdo!!!!!
errrrm....i actually dunno wot 2 say c'ept for, rspect to the gorilla testicle monster for giving him inspiration cuz this is one hell of a poem!!!!!! :D
im 'flabbergasted' <(i lyk tht word ;) )
so randum yet in a wierd way, i can follow a story line ?!! luv it x
mwaah
snuggly bug .x.x.
gorilla testicle monster
Yeah, he's actually an evil spirit that lives in my coffee pot. He comes out every once in a while and inspires poems. Between the alligator in the kitchen, ghost in the refrigerator, baboon in the closet, and the evil spirit in the coffee pot, my apartment is a very livelyplace. Did I tell you that I also have a pet donkey? (I keep him on the balcony.)
Glad you enjoyed and were flabbergasted (I love that word too) by this. Thanks for reading, and yeah, maybe I am a bit weird!