Holy Shit! Ezra Pound's Ghost is in my Refrigerator!
The other day I read a poem by a British human named Debs
about an entity that attacked her in the middle of the night
and tried to steal her Calvin Klein underwear
It was a good poem;
after having a chuckle about it, I ate some shrimp, drank a bit of whiskey,
and went about my business
everything was fine
UNTIL
Something strange happened later that night…
As I slept the sleep of a newborn-tit-sucking-shit-machine,
I felt my Scooby Doo blanket being pulled off me
Slowly I awoke, looked up into the darkness at the foot of my bed and
saw what looked like the ghostly figure of someone I recognized
It was the long dead poet, Ezra Pound!
I said, “Holy shit, are you Ezra Pound?”
He said:
“AHHHHH! Motherfucker! I’m Ezra Pound’s ghost, bitch! AHHHH! BOOO! SCARY! AHHHH!!!!”
Doing what anyone would, I sprung out of bed, grabbed my vacuum cleaner
and chased him around “Ghostbusters” style
but he was fast!
Ghosts of dead poets are really swift!
He jumped into my refrigerator
(I keep the refrigerator door open at night because I like to use a lot of electricity)
I slammed the door shut and trapped him inside
He was like “AHHHH! Let me out! Let me out! AHHHHH!”
However, I decided to keep him in there and went back to sleep like nothing happened
Next morning I opened up the refrigerator and Ezra was still in it
He said he actually likes living in the fridge and handed me a couple eggs and a cuppa coffee
and gave me some awesome recipes for pasta he knew from his time in Italy
He asked if he could stay; I said OK,
because I like having a dead poet in my refrigerator
I really don’t know why people are against having evil spirits in their house
I think it’s fun having demons and stuff, I use my Ouija board all the time to contact them
and ask them to drop by and play Scrabble
What does this “Debs” person think is so wrong with nocturnal entities?
Fighting off malicious spirits in the middle of the night is a gas and such great exercise
Much better than going to the gym!
You know, it all reminds me of this hippy girl I used to have sexual intercourse with in Tennessee
As soon as we moved into a house, she put on a Harry Potter costume, burned incense,
and started some sort of séance to rid the place of evil spirits
I told her “NO! Stop doing that!”
I like having wicked spirits in my domicile!
So what if they’re a poltergeist or something!
They have a right to be there, too, and were here before WE moved in,
so it would be like totally rude to kick them out
What am I, an asshole?
Poltergeists and demons are people, too, with hopes, dreams, aspirations and families
Leave them alone you fucking bastards always harassing them!
(Needless to say, that relationship was short-lived!)
(Besides, she always hated it when I’d shave off my eyebrows, paint a turtle on my chest, and go do aerobics in the graveyard.)
After that I moved into a 1920’s bright pink art deco Miami Beach hotel that was possessed by something or other
(probably an old pissed off Jewish lady from Manhattan)
Stuff would disappear all the time and things would fall off the refrigerator a lot
(this was before I had a dead poet living in my fridge)
At first, I didn’t believe it was haunted and accused my girlfriend at the time, who was from Switzerland, of hiding things,
like my neon green goggles that went missing for a week
and then turned up in the bathtub when I was having a shower and eating cereal
(I eat cereal in the shower sometimes)
I pointed at her and said forcefully that I don’t know what types of weird shit you do over there in Switzerland,
but here in America we don’t steal people’s goggles when they want to go swimming in the Atlantic!
If I were attacked by a shark and mangled to death like an Australian surfer it would all be her fault!
So anyways, even after I chased her away at 3am with a hot frying pan full of bacon,
stuff still went missing, so I’m pretty sure the place was possessed by a spirit of some sort
The whole incident with Debs and Ezra Pound reminds me of that place
Upon reflection, I think I’ll move back there now, buy a purple-assed baboon to keep as a pet,
and bring the refrigerator with Ezra in it, too, and maybe invite Debs over so we can read poetry about ghosts,
and I’ll also invite that Swiss girl, if she wants to come back
Listen, Magda (the Swiss girl’s name), I’m really sorry about chasing you with that frying pan.
Can we be friends?
I’ve got this really cool new ghost in my refrigerator I want you to meet!
Now if you’ll please excuse me,
Ezra and I are going outside to do aerobics in the graveyard
Talk to ya later!
Bye Bye!
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hahahehehe
u are weird man!,lol(in a nice way)
great fun, im sure Debs will laff her head off...
peace
Thanks, Repenter. Yeah, her
Thanks, Repenter. Yeah, her poem "Be-Blessed" inspired this. Glad you liked it and hope no spirits disturb you tonight unless they're friendly ones that like to play Scrabble.
spirits disturb me?
lol, u should see my hair in the morning, more like I disturb them,lol :p
HAHA! Bed-head is the best
HAHA! Bed-head is the best way to rid one's house of ghosts!
God, NSF
you are wild and wacky and very funny. I wish I could write like this. raskin
Thanks for the kind words,
Thanks for the kind words, Raskin. I'm sure that if you ever get attacked by a malicious spirit in the middle of the night you'll be able to write an interesting poem about it. One that I'm sure would contain much alliteration!
Geez NSF
lay down the challenge for me. Now I'll be thinking do I go with spirits or ghosts. You made me laugh. raskin
I'd say ghosts. They're more
I'd say ghosts. They're more animated and entertaining than spirits. And hopefully if one visits you, he or she will have some good recipes for pasta like mine does. Just let me know if you want to borrow my Ouija board to conjure up one.
I always wanted to know
does the light stay on in the frig when you close the door? Can you ask Ezra for me ?
:)
ron
He says that it doesn't, but
He says that it doesn't, but it's OK because he's a ghost and the dark doesn't scare him. Not me, however; I sleep with a Scooby Doo nightlite in addition to my Scooby Doo blanket. Thanks for reading, Ron, I hope that any spirits that visit you tonight are as friendly as Ezra.
LoL!
LOL! Neo, You're hillarious. I nearly laughed my head clean off when I saw my name up there....I thought oh no....ghosts...Debs....Calvin Kleins....What can it be?.....I'ts gotta involve comedy somewhere! So count me in!
This was a real scream! (excuse the pun there) and I loved the imagery of the Scooby Doo pj's!...Mine have ET on them! :.) Infact I loved the whole story and for some reason I am now left with strange images of you doing star jumps in a remote church somewhere, probally in the Scotish hills...with a monkey straped to your back.....discussing, all things wonderful with Erza Pound whilst flipping neon green goggles in the air.
If it were a show, I would surely buy a ticket to it!
Thanks heaps for writing me into what I can only decribe as 'a medley of madness and joy!'
Debs x
I'm glad you liked it, Debs,
I'm glad you liked it, Debs, and was happy to make you a character in one of my poems. And hey, how'd you know about that incident in the Scottish Highlands? Who told you? Did Ezra visit you last night? I told him to keep quiet about that!
But you know, Debs, I'm a bit upset with you. Your poem unleashed a malicious spirit on me! Didn't you ever stop to think that maybe your poems might send ghosts to attack unsuspecting readers!? Perhaps in the future you'll be more careful about the stuff you put on this site and maybe include some sorta warning label or something! I'm worried the next ghost won't be as friendly as Ezra! Please be careful!
Um...'That' Incident
Um...'that' incident...I'll mention it no more.
...Real sorry about the spirit unleashing thingy....But hey, look at the great poem that followed!
I just knew it was gonna be a funky ghost that visited and inspired you.
Debs :.)
Yeah, Debs, Ezra is a great
Yeah, Debs, Ezra is a great ghost. He's so friendly; I love his pasta recipes, and he's a such good aerobics partner. Thanks for sending him. You're awesome, Debs!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH
wot sorta wierdness goes through your hed neo????
ur nearly as bad as me!! =S
were too alike...i mean i thought i was the only one who left my fridge open and ate cereal in the shower!! its soo cool when all the shampoo gets in your milk....just adds flavour huh?
BTW.... how can a ghost whos trapped in ur fridge.....make u a cuppa coffee in the morning????
i mean....its not like the milk is gonna be in the fridge!!! DUUH!!
lol
moving on.......
neo...how in hell did u ever come up with all this hillariousness
i nearly pissed myself laughing at it!
u just made this site soooo much more interesting!
thnk u :D
snuggly bug .x.x.
Hey Snuggles, we are a lot
Hey Snuggles, we are a lot alike. I think we might be long lost cousins or something. Aren't you part Irish? I'm part Scottish. Maybe we have some distant Celtic relative in common.
I can't believe you also eat cereal in the shower! Isn't it great! The soap and shampoo really add flavor!
And I don't know Ezra makes coffee in the refrigerator, but he always does, and it's amazing coffee. Ghosts can make espresso in the fridge without an espresso machine because they're ghosts and have magical powers!
As for this poem, it's all Debs fault. After reading her poem, I started having all these crazy thoughts and this poem is what happened. If I didn't write poetry I'd probably by in jail or a mental institution somwhere.
Thanks for reading and commenting, I'm glad you liked it!
Omg! That was a laff riot my
Omg! That was a laff riot my friend! You're funnier than a barrel o monkies, and nuttier than squirrel shite if ya's don't mind me saying so lol
Thats why we dig you man, smart, passionate, and funny as all get out as well! lol
Peace bro!
Cristo :)
Cristo, my brother from
Cristo, my brother from another mother, I'm glad you liked this. But I must warn you that someone who read it yesterday said that the ghost of William Shakespeare visited her in the middle of the night and started playing a violin very loudly into her ear causing her neighbors to call the cops. When the cops showed up, Shakespeare was gone, and the cops discovered the illegal monkey farm that she was hiding in the attic. I'm not sure if you have an illegal monkey farm in your attic, but I urge caution nonetheless. Thanks for stopping by!
Neo...
Dude, You should make this into a movie. I had to read it over about ten times to take it all in.
There is no other way to say this...you are so fucking funny!
thanks for the laughs...im going to go read it again
Linda
:)
Thanks, Linda, for reading
Thanks, Linda, for reading and commenting. You know, strange things happen when you get attacked by demonic spirits of dead poets, and I'm glad I was able to share this experience with everyone. This might make a good movie, too, please someone, call Hollywood! I can't stand to see another movie about a talking animal! A talking ghost of a long dead poet would be much better!
Okay.. First of all...
I just have to say that once again, you MADE me log in JUST to comment on your writing!
Secondly... I SWEAR to god that I JUST got finished burning white sage and "cleansing" my entire house of "negative spirits" for the first time in my life (at 2:30 in the morning no less), because I was sick and tired of the cold chills, odd lights burning out then turning back on and the nappy-ass-mojo-attitudes that everyone has had this week. Now.... my head hurts so bad from all the smoke that I can't sleep... so I decided to read some poetry, lol.
You know.. I used to feel that way too. You know... just leave them alone because they were here first... but we've been waking up with scratches and everyone in my family has woken up from their thumbs being pricked. So, well... even though I think the ghost used to be diabetic and he's just checking our blood sugar... everyone else isn't quite so sympathetic. Besides, my son was pretty creeped out when he saw the dude flushing the toilet. Hey, at least he flushes!
Anyway... This story was HIGHLY entertaining and you have now ranked the top of my list along side one of my favorite authors, Dave Barry (http://www.davebarry.com/) as well as the Demonic Squirrel Riding Story by Daniel Meyer.
Thanks for the bedtime story... I think I'll go check my fridge now... (that's the ONE place that I forgot to smudge, dammit!)
Thanks, Geo. My goal for
Thanks, Geo. My goal for this poem was to raise awareness of the persecution many innocent demonic spirits face daily around the world. This must stop! It's time to treat the beautiful creatures in a more humane manner. Just like with the ghost that checks your blood sugar, they are very productive members of society and should be treated as such!
That's so awesome you're into Dave Barry! I love Dave Barry! I try to follow in the great tradition that Florida writers like him have set. Anybody reading this who hasn't read Dave, READ HIM! And Geo, check out Tim Dorsey if you haven't already; he's one of my favorite writers, and is also from Florida. He's an awesome guy, too. I know you'd like his stuff.
Thanks for reading and may all your spirits be as kind as the diabetic ones that flush your toilet. Amen. Amen!
Ezra Pound
I read this and had to google Ezra Pound, he looks a scarey fella in the picture I just saw. Also he lived in Sussex for a bit, while in England, I have just spent the last 40 minutes trying to find out where abouts, but can't find out where. Could you ask him if he can remember where, as it might have been near to where I live. An excellent write Neo, really funny.
Andrew
Thanks, Andrew. Glad you
Thanks, Andrew. Glad you enjoyed it. Unfortunately, I can't ask Ezra because he's no longer in my refrigerator. You see, while I was at my weekly ballet lesson, Raskin broke into my house and abducted the ghost from my refrigerator. She refuses to give me any updates on his whereabouts, and I'm getting quite concerned because Ezra has very specific dietary and medical needs. So you'll need to ask Raskin where exactly he lived and please also tell her that I miss Ezra and am praying for his safe return. Thanks.
Oh sure,
go ahead blame me you can't hang onto your ghost. You're funny NSF. I posted a ghost poem for you but of course it is etheral in my own special way. raskin
So you're saying he left on
So you're saying he left on his own accord? I'm even more hurt now... Please take good care of him.
wouldn't want you hurt
NSF, I'll send Ezra back, so you can once again enjoy his wonderful expresso. Thank you for sharing. raskin
Thanks for sending him back!
Thanks for sending him back! That's really nice of you to return my refrigerator ghost. You're a beautiful human being, Raskin.
What the .....
I would comment on this poem in poetic form but I cant think of a word that rhymes with moron....
"Poeta Nascitur Non Fit"
Hey, JK!
Let's see what type of poem you come up with after a ghost attacks you in the middle of the night, JK! But thanks anyway for the kind words! What a nice manner of you to make your entrance to a new site and introduce yourself to the locals!
And I'll be thinking of you when I use my Ouija board tonight. Keep an eye on your refrigerator!
Toodles!