He was a chunky, awkward, and short 15 year old
who wore coke bottle glasses, spoke with a slight lisp
and walked with a gimpy step
due to his left leg being two inches longer than his right
I am not your marketing statistic
I am not your demographic
I am not defined by my bank account
I am not my clothes
I am not my car
I am not my bling bling
Deranged department store Santas run amok nationwide
surf motorcycles into shopping malls, carrying chainsaws,
hacking handicapped children to death...
I was doing a handstand and watching an exercise video,
when a homosexual teenage vampire on a pogo stick
burst out of a fireplace that doesn’t exist
and hopped out into my living room;
Recently I started growing out my bangs and quickly became enamored with them as they began cascading down to my chin.
I was standing butt-naked in the laundromat of my apartment building
watching a pot-bellied man in overalls try to make pasta in the jacuzzi outside
I walked into Wal-Mart dressed in Eskimo gear and jumped an imaginary jump-rope all through the aisles
My pet turtle spoke to me in a British accent and
said that the anus vampires in the grocery store with small penises inadvertently killed Elvis.
I was out on a nude beach
with my metal detector
looking for buried treasure,
when I stumbled across something
that appeared kinda weird.
Ever had that dream where you’re walking into the girls’ bathroom
of your old high school about to shave your hair into a mohawk?
Well I had that dream the other night…
Flaming Penis Cannibals tore up my Lady GaGa poster,
purposely punctured the blow up Susan Boyle sex doll I fly as a kite every once in a while,
Hassidic Rabbis jumping on a trampoline toilet papered my house.
So I put on a wedding gown and drove my moped
to the all-you-can-eat buffet in Boca Raton.
Recently, I’ve been putting on sexy lingerie
under my trench coat and
going out into the crowded South Beach streets,
flashing people and then smacking them in the face
I woke up late today
The alarm clock had grown arms and legs and ran away
Scratching my testicles and stumbling into the kitchen,
I found an alligator eating my Cheerios
There’s a baboon living in my closet
His name is Fred
The voices in my head tell me his name is Steve
But I still call him Fred