I was out on a nude beach
with my metal detector
looking for buried treasure,
when I stumbled across something
that appeared kinda weird.

Ever had that dream where you’re walking into the girls’ bathroom
of your old high school about to shave your hair into a mohawk?

Well I had that dream the other night…

Flaming Penis Cannibals tore up my Lady GaGa poster,
purposely punctured the blow up Susan Boyle sex doll I fly as a kite every once in a while,

Hassidic Rabbis jumping on a trampoline toilet papered my house.

So I put on a wedding gown and drove my moped
to the all-you-can-eat buffet in Boca Raton.

Recently, I’ve been putting on sexy lingerie
under my trench coat and
going out into the crowded South Beach streets,
flashing people and then smacking them in the face

I woke up late today
The alarm clock had grown arms and legs and ran away
Scratching my testicles and stumbling into the kitchen,
I found an alligator eating my Cheerios

There’s a baboon living in my closet
His name is Fred
The voices in my head tell me his name is Steve
But I still call him Fred

So I woke up this morning and got out of bed to use the toilet,
when suddenly
MY PENIS EXPLODED!

No, not like a spontaneous ejaculation,
(though that happens to me sometimes)

I think somebody stole my cat.
It was here last night before I went out drinking and
having sexual relations with truck drivers.

Now it's not here and the window is open.

Day 1:
Went to the rodeo in a wedding gown
and lassoed up a gorilla to bring home
to the illegal monkey farm I’ve got going in my attic.

The other day I read a poem by a British human named Debs
about an entity that attacked her in the middle of the night
and tried to steal her Calvin Klein underwear

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

(bright light shining)
(head back, eyes closed)
(funny taste, weird smell)

The ashes we remember
Soil every seed...
The pain in the garden
Fulfills every need...

IT
was those people that follow you around the museum
to make sure you don’t bend over, pull down your pants
and shit explosive diarrhea at the “Mona Lisa”

Alone on a Saturday night,
I am stark naked in squalor
Melting in my lonely chair,
I am a Vaseline coated penis

Oo=====0

Staring at your photograph,
I masturbate with glee