I hate my brain
I fear it.
I hate my brain
I want to smash it.
I hate my brain
I want to hit it.
I hate my brain.
It does nothing but fail me.
Time and time again.

My brain isn't like others.
I don't think rationally.
Like others do.
I fear. It puts fear into motion on this level that I can't control.
In my brain I'm dying.

I'm dying of whatever I have convinced myself of that day.
Brain Tumor, Ovarian Cancer, Sinus Tumor, Lymphoma,
I can't free myself from it.
The feelings and symptoms are real. They are real.

People around me are tired of it.
They are sick of me.
The medicine isn't helping, so I don't take it much.
That's probably why the anxiety meds aren't helping my anxiety
but I don't care. I fear. I fear. I fear.

I love Jesus. I love God.
But, I fear that I love my kids more.
If I die of a dreadful, debilatitng, destructive disease like cancer
and leave them motherless
they will never have a chance of normal life.

I want to be here. I want to see them grow.
I want to be there for every hug and kiss.
Every fall and every argument between the two.
Nothing matters but them and my husband.

I fear God will punish me for these feelings.
I fear Cancer.
I want to step out of my brain.
Please, God, if you can hear me.
Take these anxieties and symptoms away.

I can't stand them anymore.