So there I was
Sitting having a cup of hot chocolate with Rich Tea biscuits
Outside a café called Green Feathers,
When a man in a tutu walked by
I have to tell you I was somewhat intrigued
Not to mention transfixed.

Especially when a mob of white coated people
Started a riot on the streets
But when within an inch of this bizarre man
They began turning somersaults
And tap-dancing with their feet...

Blowing whistles with their nose
Strangers streaked by in loin cloths made out of Union Jacks,
It's as if this man has a curse on him
Causing all within distance of him
To act in a way that gives you a heart attack.

Then him with the tutu
Sat down next to my chair,
Unfortunately my table turned into a carpet
My cup of hot chocolate spilling and staining his hair.

He proceeded to make a pizza
Out of a dustbin lid
Where did those tentacles come from?
They turned into pasta
Only he's naked now
The only thing I can think of
Is that this is some sort of con?

Like those toothpaste adverts
Advertising white crocodile teeth
Big enough to bite a shark in half...
Oh, where was I?
At the bit about the white coated people turning somersaults
And tap-dancing with their feet?

No, after that?
Oh yes, table into carpet,
Tea stained hair,
Pizza and pasta,
No tutu, just naked,
He could have left it there.

I mean it's not every day
You go out to have a relaxing sit down
Then see things so wacky and unexplainable
I would have joined in but the reason why I'm immune to silliness
Is because I'm protected by my guardian angel clown.

I was just about to quietly leave
When what happened you will not believe
He was gangsta rapping one minute then the next
His penis exploded!! and he said rather vexed
“That's the fifth one I've had fitted this week,
They always seem to explode after I've been asleep,”

But seeing as I'm experienced in this area
I know what to do
(My brother's explode often
It's nothing shockingly new)

Before you can see a doctor
The best form of action
Is to fit a cucumber instead
It's an instant attraction,

So I accompanied him to the nearest hospital
While he told me about the baboon living in his closet who's called Fred,
I had my turn and told him about the red flamingo
Who has a mohican and lives up my chimney instead.

We hopped onto the bus
Seated next to some lady OAPs,
They chatted up the tutu wearing exploding penis man
And showed him photos of their gingerbread grandchildren by the sea.

The bus flew to the hospital
And he saw a medic immediately,
He was all fine and dandy
As I shook his hand goodbye
After all I don't stop for anyone when I've got an appointment
To complain about my guardian angel clown in the sky.