Still haven't found something
That makes you realise you're no longer 25?
Well, look no further, sweet person
Especially if your parents were Victorians
And you're still alive.

When you frequently find yourself telling people
What a loaf of bread used to cost,
When you can't find your way to the bathroom in your own home
And get hopelessly lost.

When you know all the answers
But no one asks you the questions,
When you think you're having a heart attack
When really it's only indigestion.

When you enjoy
Hearing about other people's operations,
When you mistake your ears popping
For the sound coming from the railway station.

When everything hurts
And, what doesn't hurt, doesn't work,
And when having custard with your dessert
You think is your life's only perk.

When someone asks if they can help you
To cross the road,
When you only have one speed
And that's slow-mode.

When you're referred to as
“That old OAP,”
You suddenly turn and stare, realisation dawning
And think in your head “They're talking about me!”

When you have too much room in the house
And not enough in the medicine cabinet,
When someone tells you something
And a minute later, you forget.

When the only argument you have with your children
Involves the words “Folks” and “Home,”
You being stubborn and not budging an inch,
Knowing you're fine on your own.

When you read more
And remember less,
When you buy a compass for your car
Just so you can remember which direction is west.

When you take a metal detector
Whenever you go to the beach,
And when it's your doctor telling you to slow down
And, for once, not the police.

When caution is the only thing
You care to exercise,
When you realise the warm feeling you get isn't happiness
And is only heart burn inside.

When “a good day,”
Is when you don't need to take a laxative,
You don't spend half a day on the toilet,
And when you've been gone long
Nobody asks who you've been with.

When the car that you bought brand new
Is now an antique,
When you spend less time awake
And more time asleep.

When, on getting out of a chair,
Someone thinks a pipe is leaking,
For all the moans you say are the leather
Are actually your bones creaking.

Though, no one minds
If you're all of these things and more,
People will still love you for who you are
But then again that may have something to do
With the fact that they're staying in your good books
Just until you're out of the door!