Here are numerous more ways
In case you need to put your mind at rest
To reassure yourself you are certainly not old
Even if you're blind, mad and deaf.

When your investment in health insurance
Is finally beginning to pay off,
And when in winter you permanently
Have a runny nose and a dry cough.

When people ring you at ten in the morning
And say, “Did I wake you?”
When you go shopping and every other person you see
Wants you to buy their Big Issue.

When people think the sun on your bifocals
Is a twinkle in your eyes,
And when your supply of brain cells
Is finally down to a manageable size.

When the pharmacist has become
Your new best friend,
When if a pen is on the floor
You find out that downwards you really can't bend.

When there's nothing left to learn the hard way,
And the nearest thing you get to a thrill of pleasure
Is getting your doctor to tell you not to do something
Just so you can disobey, and think you're clever.

When you come to the conclusion
That your worst enemy is gravity,
When you can't understand why
Everyone calls it the loo, when it's proper name is the lavatory.

When you give up trying to hold your stomach in
No matter who walks into the room,
When the highlight of your day becomes watching the news
Just so you can watch all the doom and gloom.

When you wonder how you could be over the hill
When you don't even remember being on top of it,
And when you find yourself acquiring an unhealthy taste
For funeral music.

When the only things you can eat are so soft
That you're able to cut them with a spoon,
And when you're not even aiming to have a lie-in
You still wake up at noon.

When your ears are hairier
Than your head,
When you start to look forward to
Life after being dead.

When you have a party
And the neighbours don't even realise it,
They only loud thing they hear happening
Is everyone falling over doing the Hokey Cokey
Failing to balance on their walking sticks.

When it takes longer to rest
Than it did to get tired in the first place,
When, instead of using the scraper to get ice off the car,
You use it to smooth out the creases on your face.

When your childhood toys
Are now in a museum,
When you ask about the chances of getting a hot date
And the answer is a definite “Dream on!”

When you confuse having a clear conscience
With a bad memory,
When you think you're seeing a ghost from your past
But really your glasses have steamed up
Making everything misty.

But never mind
If all of these things are true,
Once you get over 80
Every day is just a bonus,
So there's no need to sit there
Feeling blue!