There are some signs
Which tell you when you're getting old,
For example, when the 1920s seem modern
And even when you go on holiday to Spain
You still get really cold.

When you pull up your socks
Then realise you aren't wearing any,
When you find it takes twice as long
To go and spend a penny.

When it's so easy to clean your teeth,
You just put them in the dishwasher,
When you read about women getting pregnant at 26
And say “That's a real shocker!”

When your back goes out more than you do,
When you've got no social life at all,
When you get so hunched over when you walk
That you think dwarfs are dead tall.

When you look forward to a dull evening,
Of just having a snooze....
When someone asks you to go for a drink
And you think they mean to come round for tea,
Not to go to a pub and drink booze.

When you begin every sentence with “nowadays”
Or even “back when those were the days”
When 70 is being in your prime
And instead of saying wrinkles
You just call them laughter lines.

When you look in the mirror
And your parents are staring back at you,
When you find you can just swallow your food
You don't even have to chew.

When you feel like the morning after
When you haven't been anywhere the night before,
When you seem to have more patience
But really, it's because you don't care any more.

When you finally get your head together
Only to find your body's falling apart,
When you can't see in the light without your glasses
Let alone in the dark.

When a wicked night out
Is, instead of watching TV, sitting on the patio,
When snails over-take you
Because you've become so slow.

When your idea of weight-lifting
Is just standing up,
And when you eventually find your car in the car park
You say “This is my day for luck!”

When your secrets are safe with your friends
Because they can't remember them either,
When watching a game of golf
Halfway through you have to take a breather.

When it takes twice as long
To look half as good,
When a mobility scooter is supposed to make your life easier,
It doesn't, but you know it should.

When you search for your glasses for an hour
Then realise they've been on your head the whole time,
When the hospital becomes your second home
So much so that you don't even need to follow the signs.

When you're speaking to someone you know
But for the life of you can't remember their name,
When you think you're in perfect mental health
But everyone else agrees that you're going insane.

Still, don't worry if you feel this way,
After all, getting old is a part of life,
But the only time you really need to get worried
Is when you have to have a potty
In case you don't quite make it in the middle of the night!