I want to say I miss you
I think of you every day,
how I want to hear your deep voice
feel your hug
breath in your tobacco scent
how I always do when I make a memory of you
my grandad...
but I can't
it would be a lie
I never knew you
I never met you,
I've never cried for you
I've never seen a photograph of you
because
no one mentions you.
How you died
when I was six weeks old
how I went to your funeral
cuddled tight in my mum's arms
I don't even remember what it was like
no recollection of it at all
seeing you buried
in that harsh wooden box
deep underground
all those years ago.
No one says your name
the name of my grandad
as if they're ashamed of you,
but I'm not
I'll say it for them
for you
Jesse Henry Rose....
I know you were brave
I've seen your medals
a brief glimpse,
you fought in the war
and saved so many lives
you looked after my gran
you looked after my mum
and yet
you couldn't manage to look after me.
You became ill
I've only heard it the once
Alzheimer's
that word
that whispered word
trailed off at the end of every sentence....
you lost your mind
you couldn't remember
you were a crazed man
shrunk down, reduced to bones,
spitting hurtful, hateful words
you told your wife you hated her
you told your children you wish they hadn't been born
you were angry
so angry
you rejected any help
you didn't want it
so then life
made the choice
and cast you away.
I don't know
if anyone was shocked
if anyone grieved
or if they were glad,
relieved
that you weren't around
to cause misery any more.
I don't even know
why I'm writing this
why I'm thinking about you now
when all these years have passed,
I sort of feel guilty
guilty because I never asked
I'm too afraid
because I think I know already what the answers will be,
I feel false
false because I'm writing this for you
when I never knew you
and you never knew me,
but I'm also sad
sad because I think everyone's forgotten you
almost like there's an elephant in the corner
only everyone's pretending it's not there,
but I'm not
I won't
I want to say that I'm not scared
I'm not ashamed to admit to you
that I'm proud I'm a part of you
that I'm proud
proud because I'm not forgetting
to remember you.