Once Upon a Love
There was a dark night which lasted years,
And it seemed to rain so many tears,
Then the sun came up, my darling love,
And there were blue skies again above.
I was lost in a train tunnel it seemed,
Black as soot, trapped, like in a bad dream,
Then in came the light of your tender love,
And once more I could see the birds above.
I recall a very sad autumn day,
When all happiness had vanished away,
And I reminisced, once upon a love,
I watched my memories float high above.
I remember a long cruel winter,
So very cold, lonely and bitter,
Then there was a warm new spring, my love,
With a hot summer sun shining above.
Opposing states, of which angels sang,
Dark and light, cold and hot, Yin and Yang,
As opposite as loneliness and love,
As different as hell, and heaven above.
We all have dreams which we need to chase,
We all search until we find our own place,
We all have hearts that desire love,
We all hope in this life to rise above.
Copyright ⓒ Chris Ryall 2012
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From Darkness to Light
This is a poem about 'transition'. I was in a loveless marriage once, when I was very young. Divorce followed, and I locked down my heart, vowing never to love again. I felt very bitter and angry at the world. Then the love of my life, to whom I have now been married for 16 years came into my heart and saved me from myself. A few years ago, despite being very happy in my marriage, I was experiencing extreme stress and misery in my job, and began drinking too much, entering a period of dark depression. Then I had an incredible spiritual encounter, in which God came into my heart and saved me, again. Light flowed into my life once more. These are the two main influences on this piece of poetry, but there is one more - nature/seasons. Right now we are in winter, in a mountain village where it is freezing, and I can't wait until it becomes spring, and then summer again! LOL.
Warmest regards,
Chris
Your Poem of Love
Chris,
Your poem has elements of trite love expressions, but it is a cut above the usual "common" love poems because of the strength of your involvement and passion over the transition between loneliness and togetherness (love). It's not just "Love entered my life, the sun is shining", but it is also about an element of your salvation and joy in the transition.
My major criticisms of the poem is the choppiness of the rhythm and perhaps too much frequency with rhyming "love" with "above",
and a failure to resolve itself. I feel left hanging. Consider my mimicking of your poem, but with the intent of giving it a more metric quality (da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM da-DUM), and a somewhat stronger rhyming structure, stronger ties between stanzas, and final resolution ===>
Dark the night of copious tears
that lasted years and years and years.
You brought the sunrise with your love,
dried my tears, blue skies above.
Lost in tunnel dark, I seem
to thrash about in some bad dream.
And then the light of tender love
you bring -- I see the birds above.
Oh so sad that autumn day
my happiness dissolved away.
The taste of reminisce of love --
so bittersweet the thoughts thereof.
Long Winter, cruelly cold, spit your
lonely, vitriolic, bitter
blast no more. Love's warm spring
knocked on my door -- of thee I sing!
Of opposite states the angels sang,
Dark and light, Yin and Yang.
Loneliness is hell, and love
is all the glory of heaven above!
We all have dreams that we need chase,
The heart seeks love, another face
with which to share the highs and lows
I've found my love in you -- God knows!
Please take all this as constructive criticism and remember -- the critic is not the poet. The poet is the poet. So I don't know if my suggestions make your poem better or worse. But please consider them.
raggindragon
Not Shakespeare
Thank you for your thoughtful critique of my 'love poem'. I'm not a very good 'romantic poet', certainly no Shakespeare. I think Paul is a much better poet at conveying love and romance than I am. There are some amazing 'romantic poets' on this site, whom I don't hold a candle to, but we all have to start somewhere. And being a poet I suppose, I still feel a need to put my thoughts on paper; in this case, I thought it was at least good enough to upload onto this site, but I was also aware that my style leaves a lot to be desired.
Yes, the real point of this poem, the theme as it were, is 'transition'. I find it hard to find other words that rhyme with 'love', and just go with what I have. (Thereof is good!) For some reason, I also felt like ending every verse with 'above' to give it some conformity. Free verse may have been the better option, but at the time this is how it came out. I found your revisions really quite interesting - thanks for investing the time. I have taken your constructive criticism in the manner in which it was intended, and am grateful that you went to such trouble.
Much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Chris
A cup of Sugar suffice
Leaking Pen
Dear Chris
I came over to borrow a cup of sugar, you offered me your whole pantry, garden and your house instead, wow I appreciate the compliment about romantic poetry my cup of tea, I am speechless, your generosity overwhelms me , a cup a cup of sugar or a pinch of salt should suffice my needs , I am speechless , now I am at lost of words
-Once upon love -drew me like bees to flower, I enjoyed your poem with all due respect to Rag, I see the passion behind the lines, and taste the sweet flavor of love, freedom to express in poetry what comes natural from our hearts always priceless, true love is free love, not constraints to meters or words, this poem came from your heart, I celebrate your love and dance to your music
Truly
Paul
Dance Hall of Love
G'day Paul,
That's very nice of you to say, mate - thanks. I think one could learn a lot about writing love poems from reading your poetry (among others). In fact, reading some of your romance pieces recently is partly what inspired me to write, "Once Upon a Love". I'm so glad you liked it, then, and I'm grateful for your kind and thoughtful feedback. More importantly, I feel vindicated in knowing that you could see the passion which I was trying to express, and could hear the love beat of my romantic rhythm and rhyme. Your comments were much appreciated. Have a great weekend, take care, and best wishes.
Warmest regards,
Chris
Well-crafted, impressively written poetry.
This is very well-crafted, impressively written poetry, Chris. The wording scheme conveys such passionate, sensitive emotion, and the poem is filled with powerful descriptive references throughout. I think your writing in this is creative, romantically compelling, and speaks directly to the heart of the readers. I also like your exceptional rhyming technique. I truly enjoyed this, Chris, and look forward to reading and commenting on more of your quality work. Take care.
Respectfully,
J.P. (Rex)
Thanks J.P.
Hi J.P.,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and generous response. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, but I haven't been on the site for a week or so, having gone away for Christmas. I was most appreciative to return home and see your kind comments. This poem found myself comparing past (disastrous) relationships, and the loneliness in between, with my current (blissful) marriage of 16 years. In order to try something different, I had the last two lines of every stanza ending the same way - just an experiment of sorts. Thanks again for your positive feedback.
Have a great New Year's Eve, and I wish you all the very best in 2013.
Warmest regards,
Chris