Somehow I know I’m not leaving so easily tonight. I am like a rose with an ashen center. I am thinking thoughts suited for this midnight, and I am awfully alone in this packed club. The people move against the light, the lights move against the people, and I can see all of the truth surrounding the silhouettes. My spirit is probably colder than the blue night outside. It may have sheltered happiness at one time, but ultimately I know that there is little left after decaying for so long. I never found love, I never had passion, and I never had care. My soul is crashing down among all of these red lights tonight, and I had no idea that I was free-falling. In a breath, I take in the musk of marijuana. My mouth is still soured and wet from the alcohol. My stomach aches, my nose is burning without end, and I feel that I’ve either given it all up or that hope has nothing left for me. I look at them all, their souls careless and satisfied; the people moving and soaking up the red flashes. I am watching in awe so that I can drown out God, and in that moment I know I’m addicted. I won’t find out why, but even amid the sin and the sickness I am wholly content. I am here in my selfishness, barely listening to anything, and the denial of all else is somehow still beautiful. My demons are all here in this smoky place tonight, and soon I know I’ll be crumbling again.
So for now, I cradle my fear in doubt. Without knowing it, I am rising from this dusty sofa, walking by the dimly lit bar lined with all the lost souls, and stumbling out the back door. It’s all happening so slowly. Outside, it is still dark amidst the numbing drizzle. I know I will be sleeping alone tonight, if I can find my way back. I am going under, the danger closing around me at the edge of the sidewalk and the back alley. I know I probably won’t reach the empty street ahead. The only street light in Old Town is spreading gold onto the corner close by, burning, burning bright. If ever I was on the brink, I thought I would be more ready for the adventure and I thought I would feel my heart beating. Instead, I want to collapse with exhaustion, with shame all around my eyes. And yet, for tonight, I know I’ll be alright. My sins are going to be the death of me tomorrow, but tonight I will rest on this broken asphalt under that soft light, unsure of the morning, but for once, unafraid.